Monday, January 30, 2006

month end

The dog woke me at 3:30 this morning, and after a walk in the dark, I decided that I would stay awake. Sleep is difficult lately. A few hours here and there seem to be all I can manage. Don't know if it's the coffee, or the changes in my life that keep real rest at bay and unreachable. But it seems okay somehow, to sit here before the sun rises. I am not tired, and I write. And I think. Staying out of my head seems impossible now.

As this month ends, I make preparations to move away from here. The ties that bind me to this place slip away, one by one, as if the Universe is removing roadblocks to make relocating easier. The fact that I am not cautiously fearful scares me. Should I be shaking in my cowboy boots? Should I be thinking of all the worse-case scenarios? Should I be hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst? Fear seems the logical choice, and yet I am fearless.

I often say, "I lead a charmed life." Things just seem to always work out. I think that from the perspective of others, who are aware of the difficulties in my past, this may seem false, almost sarcastic. But the truth is that I feel that way. Though I have been through difficult times, I realize now that it was just part of the journey to where I am today. I look back without regrets, but with a sense that it was the path on which I needed to walk.

I think that maybe it may just be my perspective...always looking at the bright side, the candle flame in the darkness, finding the one beam of light that shines when everyone else is looking for a flashlight. For this I am thankful. I prefer it this way. Difficulty seems to me to be a state of mind, not a reality. Once the decision is made, you fill your boxes one at a time, rent a truck and drive away. It's just a matter of doing.

Looking at the future, I know a new path will open up and that I will know the way. There may be some brush that needs to be cut away, and even a few big rocks that need to be moved, but I've proven myself strong enough - moving a mountain over the last year - a task I once thought impossible.

Things just are as they are. One day comes and then it goes. We do things to get us where we're going. And at next month's end, the doing will be done, sleep will come and I will rest easily in a new city under the same sky.

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