Thursday, December 29, 2005


We all have them, and this year mine have nothing to do with weight or smoking, but instead, they're about authenticity. Being who I am every moment of every day.

This year I will accept my imperfections, and roll them around in my head and see them through the eyes of truth. I will devise ways to improve on those which do not serve my best good, and I will be gentle with myself. I will look at those things which I've always thought were imperfections, and realize that some aren't imperfections at all, but simply my humanity and I will embrace those and bring them with me into the moments that follow.

Seems like we're wired to review our lives every new year. And mine has been so full of changes and manifestation. Hard to believe that only a year ago my life was very different indeed. Exactly when I decided it had to change eludes took years, and it seems that so much time was spent deciding that I wonder how I managed to get through the tough stuff at all.

And now, the day looks much better, and tomorrow brighter somehow. Ronda says it's time for an adventure. And I think this year will be a great one. A new lover, new space, and new patterns of thought and of being. And the key to all of it is realizing that it's all okay. It's okay to want more, to have more. It's okay to be truthful, no matter what the consequence. It's okay to demand love and respect, to reach for excitement and adventure. To play and laugh and not be sad about the world around me.

And as odd as this might sound coming from someone who has so often looked at herself through the eyes of Piglet - a very small animal, I am fearless. The universe has thrown open the doors and the windows and the sites and sounds of the outside pull me from the safety of the known into the unknown, and I am packing my bags, getting rid of the stuff that might hold me in this place, and making ready for an incredible journey.

And my soul sings little tunes that I can't quite sing along with...but I'm learning the words, and I know it is my song to sing.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

winter solstice

I've been gone for awhile. Not able to catch my breath. The universe warned of big changes, and they have indeed come to pass. Today is a day for manifesting, and I have done my best to release fear and unforgiveness, opening myself up to the amazing abundance of the universe. And I have been rewarded with what is. Funny to think it was out there all the time, but that I was unable to accept it.

And so it is again the holiday season, and I have done few of the regular preparations. Aside from my small sparkley tree, my space is relatively unadorned, as I have been lately. Thinking of last year, about this time, when I tried desperately to make Christmas special, knowing that perhaps it would be the last of many celebrations I would share with my "family." And it is so. The new year approaches quickly, and I realize that though I will always hold this particular family close at heart, it has been replaced in many ways by those who I once called friends. My new family is much more concerned for my welfare, more excited by my joy, and more supportive of my crazy ideas. These are my sisters, and were since before I was born. Over the years I met them, not knowing how important they had always been and would always be.

And I look only ahead. I don't regret past decisions, as there were lessons to be learned. And this student of the universe is just beginning a new journey - one that makes me look at myself instead of others for my own joy. Today I ask myself, "what have I done in the past that has not served me?" And these I will reject, and find new actions that serve my best purpose. I will learn new lessons, but most of all, I will follow bliss, unencumbered by "rules" and old paradigms. I will say yes to joy. It's as it should be.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

sunday night

I've been trying to express myself eloquently with words typed on this keyboard or scribbled in my journal. But the truth is, no words can express my feelings. Trying to put these feelings on paper is impossible. Small spurts of letters in perfect order can never express the leaping of a heart or the moments that steal my breath. They can't express the tingling nerve endings or the warmth of the human touch.

And so I will be silent.