Wednesday, April 25, 2007

It's Wednesday again - and I'm on deadline. It's that "hurry up and wait" feeling that has taken hold, at least for this week.

Skies are overcast, and my mood is difficult to lift. But I know that this too shall pass. In the meantime, I'm trying to be productive.

The baby is indeed growing, and I've had my very first tummy pat from someone I just met. I did know that was coming, but it's a little strange. I thought it would really bother me, but it didn't. In some ways it's an affirmation that this is really happening, and soon, my stomach will be a billboard, connecting me with those who have gone before.

My goddess energy has dwindled...yes, I know, motherhood is the ultimate in creativity. I mean creating life and all of that, but in the meantime I'm having trouble feeling it. Is this weird, or normal? And what is normal? My life lately has been anything but. So many changes and so much to do that is out of the ordinary. But I'm adapting, and trying to reinsert myself into old good habits like writing and meditation. The yoga helps, but the pets seem to divert my energy at every turn. I'm chanting "ohm" and they're running around like tiny banshees barking at the mailman. Peace, right? So today they will have to spend outside while I twist and turn my body - gently- into poses that are perfectly modified for those "with child".

I am getting excited for the big family get-together that will be my wedding. It will be a chance for Steve's family to mingle with mine and everyone to happily commune over our good fortune at finding love and having a child. Miss my kids, miss my sisters, miss my mom and dad, miss Emma. So their faces will be a welcome sight. The wedding is only a month away - yikes - and I still have lots of little things to do. I'm down to making real choices, and not sweating the small stuff. Not really so difficult when I set my mind to it.

Some days I wonder just how this will all pan out, and long for October, or November, when one Saturday morning I will wake up and find that there is no big event to plan, and there are no preparations to make. I will hear the baby wake up, pour myself a cup of coffee and have a really lovely day. It's not that I'm not looking forward to all the stuff that will occur over the next few months. It's just that I'm sure there will be peace in the normalcy of life, and the everyday miracles are everywhere.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


This is for Gewels and all of my friends who just want to know...boy or girl?

"Boy" says the ultrasound, a thrilling prospect especially for his daddy, who can't stop grinning. I, being okay with either option, am just glad to know and be able to plan. So we were busy planning "boy" when Steve came home after talking to a friend who said that the ultrasound may not be too accurate give the fact that I am somewhere between 18-20 weeks along. From the beginning, I've felt "girl" and my very special friend and psychic said, "girl." And Deb and Chris said, "girl." So while the medical community is pretty sure it's a boy...we're all left wondering. Despite all of that, I did buy the most adorable outfit for him yesterday. And if it's a girl...she'll look just fine in those overalls with the cars on them.

In other news...the wedding planning is becoming a bit nerve racking. Since Steve and I did the civil ceremony already, carrying out the "other" wedding planning seems a bit much. But as so much money has been sent, and it is a chance to share the occasion with family...we're doing it. Most of the planning is done...there are fittings and a few things to buy, but the big challenge is the music! Can't find a simple violin player to save my soul. So I'm thinking CDs and I'm thinking Celtic for the ceremony. Any suggestions are welcome. We can just play other music we love for the small reception we have planned in the backyard. I do need to start compiling a list and making a few CDs for the event.

And if all this hoopla weren't enough...I'm still trying to tie up all the (unending) loose ends with my ex, who continues to be difficult. Damn. I just want all of that stuff out of my space.

And so, baby and I are planning a quiet day of work and a little shopping. I have finally found a few options in modern maternity dressing (thanks for the suggestions Gewels), and don't feel nearly as odd in my clothes. (smile here)

What a life, no?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

a regular thursday

Well, almost. The beetle but the dust yesterday, leaving me carless. With no deadlines and no car, I'm here at home, trying to figure out the best way to spend the cold winter day. While it's supposed to be spring, it's freezing.

The shoe crisis has passed and I got my shopping fix last Saturday with Steve's mom and sister. Four lovely pairs of shoes later, I'm ready for the hottest maternity fashions. But now I'm having a bit of an image crisis. Maternity clothes just don't fit my self-image. They're a bit "cute." Which is a term I've fought most of my life. The little freckle-faced redhead girl was always "cute" and I wanted to be pretty, attractive, hot even. And so I worked on it. The accessories helped, but I've no belt that fits, nor would I want to highlight my midsection. I see pregnant women all the time with tight fitting tops that highlight their expectant situation. I, on the other hand, don't really like the look that emphasizes a belly button that has been misshapen by baby. And so I pick out little peasant shirts that so don't feel quite right and which undoubtedly make me look "cute." But a small price to pay I think for the prospect of having a child.

Next week I'm scheduled for an ultrasound and the revelation of just what sex this child may be. I think girl - Chris agrees as does Lynnette. Ann says boy, but I just think that's wishful thinking. In the meantime, I think about the nursery. Will it be very pink? Or should I paint dragonflies on the walls? For now I wait and wonder. I wonder just how ready I am for this massive undertaking which, admit it, will last the rest of my life. This changes everything that I thought my forties and fifties would be like. And I'm not sure what to do with that except to go with it. Right now that is the only option. I will follow my intuition about just how to do that. What I won't do is stay home all the time and make my number one "identity" mommy. Just don't see that happening. I will continue to be Melissa first, mommy, wife and whatever second. I know that one can get all wrapped up in motherhood. I used to have a hard time with women whose lives revolved around their children and I'm hoping I won't become one of them. The trap is big with sharp teeth that leave one feeling caught and sore and a little beaten up for the thanklessness of the job.

When I think of all of the responsibility of parenthood, I get a little shaky. I was (almost) done with that, and enjoying the lack of worry - but it begins again, as life is an eternal circle. We continue meet up with ourselves where we started.