Sunday, January 27, 2008

sunday morning

A few moments of solitude. I'd almost forgotten what that feels like. In fact, I really didn't know what to do with it at first. The baby ate then fell asleep in bed with Steve while I was in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee. So I left them there, not sure what to do with myself. They look peaceful, the dogs lying at their feet. I think I may shower, without listening for the baby crying.

The sun is just coming up and the world seems still. There is no wind, but snow covers the grass and sparkles just a bit as its light from falls soundlessly against it. These days I seldom enjoy the sunrise, as it is hectic with so much to do.

I've decided that today is mine. Steve has agreed to keep the baby for a few hours while I venture out into the world alone. Alone...for the second time since the baby was born. Though I do have a few hours here and there where I'm not "on," it is rare for me to leave the house without baby in tow. How I love his sweet smile and his new giggle. He lights up my world, but just as easily sends me into a tailspin when I can't comfort him or when he keeps my exhausted mind from much needed sleep. This new baby thing is such a mixed bag. And for me, time is fleeting. I want so much to give him all that he needs, and in that spirit, I tend to neglect my own.

And now it is Sunday morning, and I am alone.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

birth day

My entire family and even some people that are not family have been waiting, somewhat impatiently, for this day. My sister Mora is scheduled to have her little girl today. She already has a name, Ellie, and she is rumored to be more than a handful. Unfortunately, she presented herself breech, which makes me wonder if that's a sign that she will swim against the tide in future months, and so the doctor's are right now trying to move her a bit so that Mora can attempt a natural birth. If these doctors are unsuccessful, a Cesarean will be performed later today. Right now I'm waiting to hear just what the day will bring.
I was watching The View yesterday and they were discussing the fact that many women today are choosing a home birth without the help of medical personnel as they feel doctors are too quick to do Cesarean births without giving nature the chance to take its course. In my case, the c-section was an "emergency", but I continue to believe that the drug they administered to start my labor didn't cause this emergency. Water over the bridge, but now I'm thinking about Mora's scheduled c-section. They say she's healthy, and the baby is chubby and healthy, but that she has an overabundance of fluid making her "high risk". It is for that reason they want her to deliver today. What if - I ask myself - they allowed Mora to go into labor? Perhaps Ellie would right herself, and there would be no need for surgery. I'm just not sure why there's such a rush to bring this little one into the world. We could debate the pros and cons, but since I'm sure I don't know all the details, I will just leave that question unanswered, and continue to wait to hear just how Ellie will make her way into the world.
I've been talking to her this morning...I know, she far away, but distance I think is only important when one is traveling on foot or over land. Thoughts can travel at a speed we can only imagine.
And so dear Ellie, I welcome you to the world and wish you safe travel. I'm sure the shock at feeling the open air will be quite uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. And soon, the hand that has reached for you through a layer of tummy flesh and water will be touching your soft skin and rubbing your back. Some may tell you the world is a cruel place, but I think differently. Each day is an adventure with lots of lovely things to discover. Some of my favorites are snow flakes and hummingbirds. I'm sure you'll find your own favorites soon enough.
I can't wait for you to meet your cousin, Scout, who is just a bit older than you. I'm sure you'll be fast friends. And all of your aunties will spoil you more than you can imagine. Just ask your big sister, Emma.
Well...the verdict is in. A call from my mom confirmed that Ellie, who may be a bit stubborn, preferred the breech position and would not turn. And so the doctors have just taken Mora to the operating room for surgery. Ellie should be breathing air any time now. I suppose all is as it should be.
Welcome, little one.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

so it's a new year

Scout rang in the New Year with a bang. Beginning at about three minutes 'til midnight, he began crying in an inconsolable way. It lasted until 12:12, when he decided he had been duly heard and abruptly stopped sobbing with a few long sighs and fell fast asleep. He was certainly the center of our small and casual gathering, reminding us that this new year will be "all about him." As if I needed reminding.

Like last year, I have made no resolutions, but will continue to try to challenge myself in new ways. As I look back on 2007, I realize that no one in his right mind would have made as many big decisions and life changes as I did. But no one has ever accused me of being fully sane. Between buying a new house, getting married and having a baby, I think I covered all of the bases. And I wouldn't change a thing. Some people may say there will be nothing to look forward to. I don't think I could take much more, so I am simply looking forward to getting into a groove and writing more. Ultimately, that is a big part of why I am here...I've just had a little hiatus.

Good news today from an old colleague. She needs me to do a bit of writing for her...looks like a new door...and L wants me to do some editing...a window perhaps. I so think that I am too tied to the old Houston stuff by my contract work there and financial issues. I so need to clear this stuff so I can move forward. There are so many opportunities just around the corner, that I should just close my eyes and let them present themselves.

I have by no means made it a New Year's resolution to quit smoking, but I am making headway. Right now, though, I really want to smoke. Because we don't smoke in the house, it would mean going into the garage, not so bad in the summer...awful when the temps are in the teens or below. And so it's a good thing I don't have cigarettes because I would probably freeze in the garage, right?

Oh, and you anonymous, whoever you are that knows me from the past...why don't you just pull off the veil of secrecy and let me know who you are... I would love to chat.