Friday, February 29, 2008

taking it easy

Seems like responsibility is my middle name these days. There is seldom a moment where I feel I can simply "be." Thoughts constantly race through my head and every free moment seems spoken for. There is always something to do. And yet today I am compelled to forget all of that. I thnk I will simply enjoy this day. The sun is shining and the temperature is not so low that I want to stay indoors. I think I will shirk all things that I should do in favor of what I want to do. Which begs the question...what do I want to do?

Read and shop and write and laugh. These are the things I want to do. I will not think of the big things like...why does Scout wake up so often in the middle of the night and want to eat? Is he getting enough food? What's up with my skin? Why is it so dry? The gray hairs are coming in again, and I feel unpretty...what should I do about it? What will I ever wear to the wedding? How can I get more work? Should I get more work? or focus on motherhood? What will I do next week when Steve is in Chicago? Unfortunately, there are seldom good answers to these questions, and so they just constantly float around in my head - relentlessly tugging at my brain. I don't want to think about all of this today. I don't want to be responsible. I want to wonder at the beauty of the snow, and wander about the world.

I think Scout and I will start at Starbucks and work our way south, into town. The work and my responsible world will wait another day. Tomorrow will come and the questions will continue to plague me, unanswerable. I remind myself that it is okay to have piles of dirty laundry and cat hair on the carpet. The plants will stay green one more day.

Today we will simply live.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

thursday morning

So I joined Oprah's worldwide book event, reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and then participating in the online class. Some of the information is repetitive, things I know or believe, but the rest is new and thought provoking. I wonder more than anything if this EVENT will change the awareness of Earth on a global level. There are hundreds of thousands of people participating, and if all of us actually work at raising our awareness and our consciousness, it could very well change the course of history. Then there's mega-powerful Oprah - does she even get that she is actually changing the world? And how amazing is all of that? It reminds me of the old Merrill Lynch commercial..."When Merrill Lynch talks, people listen." It's a little frightening. And I wonder if she wasn't in a good place - in the light - could she spread darkness around the globe just as easily? In any case, we'll see how this class develops and what insights we learn.

Over the last year, my spiritual practices have disintegrated. I think that the Oprah class is a beginning. I have also reestablished meditation - in a group - at my house on Wednesday nights. This should also help me get back in the saddle. It just seems like there is barely enough time each day to do all the little things that need done, do my work - i need a paycheck - and take care of Scout, which is my total preference. He's such a light for me, and allows me to be peaceful with just a look at his smile. What joy children bring, no? I guess for me, raising my other children, didn't offer the "newborn" opportunity. I didn't really figure I missed anything, but was soooooo wrong. Can I keep my perspective? I doubt it. But it's okay really, as long as I remember that Scout is his own person, and that I am responsible for his care and for loving him, but that he has his own choices to make and life to live. I can only provide a loving foundation for his life...the rest is his.

No matter how much I try to write about other things...his little presence shows up in the words...just like he showed up in my life, unexpectedly. Oh well, this is me now. I suppose I should get used to it.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


My head is too full today and I feel like I'm running in a hundred directions. Instead I am sitting here, trying to clear the fog. When the baby sleeps I am compelled to write, work on my paying projects, do laundry, eat, drink more coffee, organize my life, make the bed, take a shower, talk on the phone, read writing magazines, and buy gifts online. Nothing screams out that it's a priority. Seems like I've spent too much time over the past five months trying to get the baby to nap, then waiting for him to wake up. And so I'm not sure what or how exactly this is going to work. Today I am tired. Was up twice with Scout last night...he doesn't want to sleep through the night. I'm afraid, like me, he's a night owl, and will continue to be. Or perhaps not.

I want to write about the plight of the world, the awakening of awareness and the beauty in a rock...but the words don't come. Where do I start to feel the The books say take a walk...go outside...but with a baby at home I feel stuck, and nothing but Scout inspires me. Perhaps I need to go back to basics, find a good pen.

Buddy the dog keeps me company from the rug in front of the door. It's the only soft place on the sunroom floor. And he sleeps, but keeps watch, and I love it. I look at him over the arch of the baby's exersaucer. His stuff is everywhere. It's okay though...just takes a bit of getting used to.

I think I'll meditate for awhile...quiet the voices in my head, and wait for the baby to wake up.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

how cold is cold?

The thermometer reads fifteen below...I think I will stay inside today. Looking out the window one would never think that it was that cold. The sky is clear and the sun, just coming up, gives my world a warm glow. Very deceiving. Even the pups are reluctant to walk out the door into the yard they love to play in.

I can't help to think of the first settlers that came here looking for their new home. Were they shocked by the intensity of the winters? South Dakota, I think, is the land of extremes. From heat and cold to thier politics. Quite conservative - hard for a liberal like me to feel at home. But like-minded people exist. It just takes a little mining. Soon one shows up...then another. And if they don't, good conversation and debate with a conservative soul is good for the psyche. Keeps me on my game.

I've yet to be stricken with cabin fever, though there are days when I think I will go mad without a coffee date. It's the converation and not the weather that I miss here. While I have made a few friends, engaged instead on making a new life, I wish for more. I am thankful for Deb, who is a confidante and gift.

I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and considering Oprah's online book discussion. Missing my old book group I think. I often wonder what they're reading and if new faces have appeared to discuss the latest hot literature. We were quite the international bunch which directed the talk and made things interesting.

Things have settled down a bit. Last year marked two weddings and two new little babies in the family. There are no huge events to look forward to, just the simplicity of enjoying life and raising my child. I do miss my sisters and wish they were close enough to drop by and listen to Scout giggle when I say, "Fancy meeting you here."

I will stay inside today and listen to the wind, talk to Scout, the dogs and the cat. I will read if time allows, and try to get a bit of writing finished. The chaos has been replaced by life as ususal. Not bad, all things considered.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

notes from rapid city

I'm sitting here in a hotel room in Rapid City, South Dakota, while my husband does his business here. The last time I was here was the first time I visited Steve and we did the whirlwind version of "See South Dakota in 4 Days." I certainly didn't think at that time that we'd have come so far as we have today. I certainly didn't think we'd have a new baby.

Scout is napping while I write. It's been nice to spend time with him in a hotel room where there are no chores calling for my attention. There is only time. So we laughed and played, took a walk around the pool and went to breakfast together. Steve will be back soon, and I suppose we will do a little exploring about town. People keep telling me to treasure the time I have now with the baby while he's little...and I know this to be true. Yet is seems as if no matter how hard I try to savor each smile, and hold onto each new little giggle, time is fleeting. The days aren't long enough, and I just can't hold on. I want time to stand still for just a bit so I can drink it all in. Today is one day for that...and I am grateful.

It's been quite a long time since I had a really good idea for a poem...but today it came to me, and I think that the writing bug is biting again. It feels like home...that nagging need to write. I welcome it, and feel that perhaps things are settling down after a year of change. I will begin to write again. I will begin to feel myself again. I will again care about politics and global warming and meditation. Perhaps I will even sit it lotus soon.

I guess it will be myself with a bit of a twist...but in a good and interesting direction.