Saturday, October 29, 2005


TRUST. This word should always be written in all caps. It's a big one. Learning to trust others, learning to trust yourself. Learning to trust your guidance...that little voice inside or the messages sent from the universe. It's unsettling really. Knocks me off balance. My head gets in the way. And there's always this much of my guidance is from part of me connected with the universe - the divine, and how much of my guidance is really just my head, disguised as the part of me connected with the universe?

And then I want to put on a mask. Halloween weekend is a perfect time to think about the masks and disguises I wear. I have lots of them. Some are frightening - mostly to me. And some are quite wholesome and jolly.

Let's begin with one of the most useful masks...Suzy Creamcheese. She smiles a lot. She is white bread, wearing a Catholic school girl uniform. She says the right thing at the right time, careful not to disturb the balance. She knows the response that will elicit a favorable reaction. She has served me well, but at this point in my life, I know she's really the devil in disguise. She leads me far away from my true feelings, and puts me out where I don't want to be with her constant "yes, ma'ams" and "yes, sirs."

Next there's the prime time favorite...Desperate Housewife. She lives a lie, and paints a pretty picture of the perfect suburban family, when she's really dying inside. I haven't worn this one for about seven or so months. In fact, I don't ever plan to wear this one again.

Next, the Great and Powerful OZ. Okay, so this one is a real power trip, and proves the point that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. When I wear this mask, I am all knowing, and the way I talk makes people think so. One little-known fact can be the basis for a diatribe on "what is." When used in conjunction with the voice of authority, loud, booming and coming from behind lots of smoke and mirrors, it comes in handy when I need to feel "right." Besides, it's a big ego stroke when Dorothy and others like her follow the yellow brick road to find the way home.

Then there's Defenseless and Helpless Woman. This mask is best worn when the car needs some work or the drain is plugged. I don't really like to wear this one much, but it can come in handy, and works best when it is accompanied by cleavage.

I also have Teacher and Graphic Designer masks. These are useful for paying the bills. These masks allow me to make tons of excuses for not showing my writer face. They let me ignore the pages where I so need to be spending time. And I do like them, and the arty costumes that go with them.

My Fortune Teller mask lets me take the credit for those on the other side who provide me with insights and guidance. It's kind of nice to wear this one. Makes people think I have some special gift when the truth is, we all do.

I'm sure there are more. Some more fun than others. Clown makes people smile. Vampire sucks energy from others. Femme Fatale lets me explore the Goddess in me.

Funny thing is, though my trunk is full of great and useful masks, they are really just me, broken into a thousand pieces. And if I put them all together, they make up me, naked and vulnerable, strong and wise. So this year, I will wear a new looks like me, talks like me, acts like me. it is a combination of all these broken pieces, brought back together with glue I'll call TRUST.

Now that I'm no longer broken, I'll TRUST that other people will react to the "real me," and that this is good, and that it doesn't really matter what "they" think. I will TRUST my intuition, and hope that the person facing me is not wearing a mask, and if he is, I will see through it.

Yep, it's a big word TRUST. Happy Halloween...whoever you are.

No comments: