Monday, October 10, 2005

out of control

Okay...so I'm a little bit of a control freak. I never really thought that I was, but I'm learning that I am. I really do want to change this. I think though, that some of us are born with the need to affect each situation we touch. I happen to be one of them. And so on this morning, I am making a commitment to release this piece of me that has been so ingrained into my very being.

Like everything, I think maybe it goes back to the religion thing. Let's say, I'm a little girl again. I'm sitting in the pew at church with my family listening intently to the priest who talks about saving one's soul. He says something like. It's up to you. It's about the choices you make. You can choose to be good, follow the rules, and go to heaven and be with GOD. Or you can choose to be bad, break the rules, and burn in the fires where the DEVIL dwells. So, being a very little girl, it all seems very black and white. Since being with GOD, floating into heaven, white dress, great pair of wings, angelic music seems much better than being with the DEVIL, no wings, scary, dark, very hot, melting skin and EVIL, I decide I better follow the rules, and along the way, I had just better make sure that everyone else that I love follows the rules, too.

So I begin to follow the rules...what I find is that following the rules really isn't too difficult, and the benefits are great. Mom and Dad smile more and never yell at me. My teachers give me good grades and say what a "joy" I am to have in their classes. This makes my mom and dad smile even more. What I learn is that by acting a certain way, and doing certain things, I can affect the way other people respond to me. Hey, works for me, even as a little girl in my blue and gray plaid school uniform.

Then I begin to grown up. And I start wondering about this GOD and the DEVIL thing. Somehow there are many contradictions in the story. So if this GOD is all about love, then how could he possibly send the people who've never heard THE STORY to be with the DEVIL? And I realize that it was an accident of birth that I was lucky enough to get this family who told me the THE STORY so I could go to heaven. Then more questions began to pop up. If all the people at church were good, and going to heaven, why were they mean when they were not in church, and why did they not live THE STORY?

So the religious stuff changed for me...I am recovering from the whole GOD and DEVIL virus, but what remains is the belief that I can somehow save the world and affect the way people see me and way others act. This is a much more difficult recovery. It has served me well throughout my life, and it takes tons of energy to get rid of it. There is no cure, I fear, only an easy acceptance. And despite my willingness, I have to fight it every day, and every moment of every day.

I've read the words of many wise people. These I could choose to follow, to repeat to myself everyday and every moment of every day. Instead I've chosen as a new mantra the words I read on a wall plaque...

"How can I control my life when I can't even control my hair?????"

1 comment:

LionessPaw said...

Well...I sympatize your God and Devil dilema and especially the confusion about those who outside of a church do not live "The Story"
I myself grew up going to church. I was taught alot about The Story. I still do go to church, but much of the confusion I had about people, myself and parts of The Story changed ten years ago... Life became totally new for me when instead of just knowing 'about' God... I came to 'know' God in a much more intimate way. This has brought deeper understanding than I ever imagined. I do not buy the versions many believe about heaven and hell... I am a "show me girl" and if it isn't in The Story Itself...don't try and make it up and expect me to believe it. People are more often turned off by doctrines of men than what is the real truth from God. (1 Thessalonians 5:21 prove all things; hold fast that which is good)
As for attempting to control things... well I think that is truly part of being human. Actually I think this is a gift we give and perhaps instead of fighting this daily... accept that you are uniquely gifted and yes! you can impact this world, your choices make impressions as to how others see you and who you are can change how others act. Fact is that our choices,feeling/facts do create a real impact on the whole Good/evil thing. I often find that if what I choose to control most is my very own attitude of heart and mind... I have much more successful days and am not in a tangled tumult.
Peacefulness within to you!
Love LionessPaw