Monday, October 31, 2005

there's a bug in my coffee

I have a number of choices...I can leave it in there and pretend I don't see it. I can scoop it out, drink the coffee and pretend it was never there. Or I can take a good look at it, figure out why it's there, and decide if I should still drink the coffee.

Life is that way sometime...drops a bug in your coffee. For me, a sweet cup of coffee is a comfort zone, and there's nothing worse than the universe dropping a bug in it.

Yesterday it was a big bug. The kind that's a little scary and warrants more than just a casual notice. And it was very alive. It stared at me, with big bug eyes, and said..."Look at me. Figure out what I am, and why I'm in your coffee." At first, I tried to ignore it. No bug, no decision to make, right? But it wouldn't go away - and just when I wanted a big warm sip. So I scooped it out, held it in my hands. Watched it crawl around. It crawled up my arm and into my brain, where wandered around. It annoyed me for hours, tugged at every thought and feeling that exists up there until I thought I would go mad. Then it crawled right down into my heart, where I harbor all the self-doubt and worse-case-scenarios. It played with them, swished them right into my bloodstream where they could course through my entire body and make me tremble.

But I know all about bugs. So I coaxed him out, took another look, and realized that he wasn't really that scary after all. All the thoughts and feelings in my brain were right where they were supposed to be, and my heart had at least opened up to let him in. A little trembling is good. Feelings that make the breath catch are proof of life. And I so want to live.

So only one decision remained. I could either squish the bug, forget him and drink the coffee, or I could free him, let him fly away. I decided on the latter and waved goodbye as he flew over the jasmine and into the clouds. And I relished the coffee.

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