I've been trying to think about what I will write for my column this month and have come up empty. The well may have run dry. I can do the standard June Father's Day thing, but don't really feel much like writing that again. And so I'm stuck.
My writing in general seems to be stuck. I'm not sure what that's about, except maybe I'm not following the rules set by Natalie Goldberg who says....
Come to the page
It's okay to write junk
Keep your hand moving
etc., etc., etc.,
It's been so long since I've written something of substance that I don't even remember all "the rules." But since I continue to break the first one, I suppose the rest don't really matter right now.
I really thought my coming here would open up some new creative channels for me. But so far, this hasn't happened. You'd think that since I'm happier than I've been in, well, forever, that it would come much easier. Instead, I'm beginning to believe that one writes better from pain. Natalie wouldn't be pleased. She'd call it an excuse. Maybe she's right. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't get to my gut and let things spill out. It may be because I'm putting so much energy into my real life, and have stopped living on paper.
I do have to say that I am proud of myself when I think about it. I was talking to a friend of my S.O. the other day and she said she could never just up and leave home - move her whole life. And I think that I am brave - that this is true for many people. And I feel fearless - which is a little scary. And I wonder just where I'd be if I'd stayed back in Houston. The truth is, it really wasn't much of a stretch for me. I so believed that it was the right thing to do that I wasn't at all afraid. I was a little overwhelmed at the thought, and the packing and the changing every detail of my life. It was a big job. But then I remember the saying...How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time...and I know that's kind of how it was - and how it continues to be.
Each day I think of something I didn't bring along, or something that I didn't do, and wish I had planned a little better. But other than that, I guess it's just time to start over. I will do things differently. I will remember that the stuff doesn't matter. In fact, it can get a bit cumbersome. There are no "shoulds", only choices to make. And waking up in Sioux Falls isn't much different than waking up anywhere else, except that I need an extra sweater.
Maybe after I take the dog to the vet, I will take my laptop to Black Sheep Coffee and try some writing practice. This would be a start, (Natalie nods.) And then a creative spark might ignite.
The question is, why was it so easy to change my entire life with one trip in the U-Haul, when it's so difficult to "come to the page?"