Thursday, February 16, 2006

one week

In one week from tomorrow, I will be sitting in the passenger side of a 16' U-Haul, looking over at a man I barely know, well on my way to a new and exciting life. Most of the time, I smile about it. But once in awhile, my insides scream "what the hell are you doing?"

I like to think that many things will stay the same. I will meditate, do yoga, and consult with the angels and my heart when it comes to big decisions. I will drink coffee every morning and walk my dog every afternoon. I will read and write and make potato soup on cold days.

I like to think that many things will be different. I will live in a different space, with different surroundings. There will be more cold weather than hot. There will be more snow than rain. There will be new places to discover, and new spaces in which to write. And there will be love.

But so many questions remain. What will I do with this new love I've found? Will I go to bed earlier because he does? Will I want to feed him? Will I revert to the old me...too much sacrifice and no voice? Will I be able to cry? Or will I try to be strong and not let my feelings show. Will I like fishing? Will he like hikes and picnics? Will the conversation stay interesting? Or will we begin to talk about the weather too much? Will I be able to let him leave more than a toothbrush and clean underwear in my space? Will we laugh enough? Will he love me in the way I need to be loved? Will he stay gentle? kind? honorable? passionate? Will I stay happy? peaceful? creative?

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that unaswered questions are simply the road to new discoveries and adventure. Uncharted territories are more difficult without a map. I suppose I am like an explorer. Instead of seeking out undiscovered land to settle, I simply seek undiscovered parts of me. What I will find remains a mystery. I think they will be grand. I think they will be honest. I think they will be lovely. And perhaps there will be a few dark spaces into which I will need to shine a light.

One week from tomorrow, I will sit in a faraway place and listen to the night sounds under the same moon that I've come to know. Next to a man I barely know, I will write about the journey to myself, knowing I made the only choice I could make - the choice to make the trip, continue on life's journey, map or no map.

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