wednesday morning

Today I am feeling hopeful. Hopeful that the day will be sunny and that I can play catch up. I have become much less tied to the little "shoulds" and have become much more interested in the joy. There are always things that must be done, but not too many. Once one realizes this, life is better.

I choose to get outside today - to enjoy the coming of spring. It's late in South Dakota this year, with snow in the forecast and cold breezes. But the bulbs are planted and a tiny yellow crocus has erupted in the flower bed behind the sunroom. This gives me hope for a beautiful summer. I went shopping with Pam last night and found some fabulous summer clothes including some adorable plaid bermuda shorts that are a size or two smaller than my pre-baby clothes. I must say they look great on me, even though they may not be "age appropriate."

Deb visited yesterday. We worked on a brochure for her and took a few headshots for the bio. We laughed a lot. I needed that. Perhaps life is returning to normal. Though I do realize that my new normal is quite a bit different from the old.

Scout and I are still cutting teeth, but we aren't nearly as crabby as we've been. With a little luck on our side, we may nap peacefully this afternoon.

cutting teeth

I expected it. The baby has begun cutting teeth, and I can't help but to make the connection that I, too, am cutting teeth. The last year has been immensely interesting and full of change. Most of all, I have learned to expect the unexpected. I find myself at 46 the mother of a seven month old baby who needs me for everything. This unexpected change of plans has me relearning how to spend my days. In my pre-baby life, I woke up, had some coffee, did some writing, worked a little, played a little, and thought that it would be nice to get out a bit. It was spontaneously free of THINGS I MUST DO. And now, it seems it is mostly made up of these THINGS. While the baby's smile makes most everything worthwhile, there are moments when I miss the old stuff. These moments are fleeting, but I can't deny their existence. So I won't. I have no regrets, but this cutting teeth thing is a bit painful. My mommy voice is getting old to me. I find myself talking about important things like finding the monkey that gives kisses and whether or not Scout should eat peas or carrots. Adult conversation is a rare commodity, and I continually fear the approach of the Soccer Mom in me. I never was very sporty, turning instead to books and paints. So perhaps I'll be the mom who takes her kid to art class on Tuesday after school. This I could handle. This I can wrap my head around.
My writing is in the toilet, as I'm finding it hard to put to coherent sentences together and make tiny editing mistakes on a regular basis - my pet peeve. Journaling...a think of the past. This little blog is my only outlet for creativity and it's lacking perspective and continuity. I just don't ever know which direction to choose.
What I know is that I love my new life, but it's different than my old life - the life I fully expected. It is precarious, with potential pitfalls around every corner...organic baby food? fluoride? chlorine free diapers? sleepless nights? working from home? making time to water the plants and clean the kitchen? the importance of spirit? There are so many choices to make and so much to do in addition to being a mom. What's a girl to do? Eat ice cream with lots of hot fudge and a touch of caramel I think. Laugh while the baby inspects his hands. Enjoy the awakening earth as spring manifests itself. Take hot baths when time permits and use my lifelines. Today I will "phone a friend." I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want to be comfortable with my new teeth.

thursday morning

Girls just want to have fun...that includes me. Seems like lately the world has not been fun. Cyndi Lauper would be disappointed and so am I. I'm not sure of the problem. I've always been one to find laughter in the face of a crisis. There is no crisis, only days on end filled with lots of non-fun. Perhaps the weather has something to do with it, or the fact that I have only one friend...well, maybe two. I keep waiting for the snow to stop falling. The sky teases me one day with warm sunshine then pulls it back, dropping half a foot of snow the next. This seems unfair, though I'm starting to remember the long winters of my childhood in Ohio. And while I love the snow, April is a bit late to be waiting on a winter storm to appear from the west.

With global warming and all, I can't help but wonder just where we'll be 10 years from now. But it seems to reason that we will not be having snow in April - for this I will be thankful.

I'm so absolutely tired of the politics on television. At this point, the outcome seems predictable, so why don't we forgo spending all the money and time and just let Obama take over the presidency. If he could do it now that would be good. I remain a supporter of Hillary, but no longer believe in her ability to be nominated. So can't we just cut to the chase. The Obama fever will soon break, and Americans will complain again, always looking for the new guy to save them. And I do mean new guy, since it has become apparent that America is still not ready for a woman to run the country. In general that is. I am ready...been ready...will remain ready. Many people are not. I've heard so many men say, "She scares me." What's that? Is it that they don't know how to deal with strong women standing up for themselves and what's right? She is anything but scary...so I don't get it.

What is so not scary is my morning. The baby is happy. I'm happy. The coffee is good...and there is peace. I did clear my chakras last night and go to sleep with gratitude. Maybe it helped.

ambivalence

The past few weeks I have been fighting the flu and ambivalence. My feelings have been so mixed. I love Scout. I love our time together. I love to watch him smile and grow and discover the world. I try to be totally present with him. To not get distracted by the things that I think I need to do. I'm finding it quite difficult to be a stay at home mom with a job - actually multiple jobs - that need to be finished. I feel as if my days are full with taking care of the baby and meeting his needs. In the quiet times, I try to do my work. There is no relief. And when Steve comes home, he tries to help, but the baby is pretty much of a mommy's boy. Not his fault. He is with me all day and all night every day. There is no family close by, no one to pick him up when I'm feeling overwhelmed. His world has become me. And mine him. And Steve is the relief pitcher when I can no longer do it. I miss my mom and my sisters, and wish I could make a phone call to say...come over and hold him for awhile and we'll drink coffee and laugh.

And I want so much to appreciate him and to not be mad at Steve, who sleeps through the night most nights, when all I want is to go to bed and sleep all night long. Just one or two nights would help.

I suppose I know that this time will soon be gone, when Scout simply wants his mother, to curl up next to me or lay his head on my shoulder. I want so much to enjoy it, but have trouble sometimes when exhaustion is all I feel.

An old friend passed last night after months of being ill. He was "old". He was ready to leave the world. He is finally at rest. I know one day that will be me. I hope to be able to look back and know I appreciated all that the universe offered to me over the course of my life. Scout, Steve, Meg, Jonathan, my family, my home and the love that was always present.

But on days when I am too tired, I'm ambivalent.