so it's been a month

45 and pregnant....

Well, amid the twists and turns of my life this year, it shouldn't have been a surprise. I really thought I was over that...done with worrying about it. I might have heeded the warnings of friends and family who said I should be careful, that I might get pregnant. But I didn't, and I am...pregnant, and happy about it.

But I hate the word. I much prefer "with child". That's how it feels. I don't feel "pregnant", but most of the time I am reminded that I am no longer alone in this body. I am now sharing it with a tiny guest. This little bit of a person totally transformed the body I have known for years. The first indication was the way my jeans fit me. Can't explain it really, but they felt different somehow. Then came the nausea. I have to admit, it wasn't as bad as some of the accounts I've heard about, but cooking red meat was not an option for awhile. When it was time for my period, I exhibited all of the signs of a regular monthly cycle...bloating, sore breasts, etc. And I waited for the onset of the menses which never materialized. After a couple of weeks, I was sure I was pregnant or something was really, really wrong. I suppose I was in denial, thinking it impossible for me to have a baby.

I think about all of the times I laughed at the commercials for in-home pregnancy tests. "Just hold it in your urine stream..." And then I was there...doing just that and watching for the big blue plus sign, which appeared within seconds. No longer able to deny it, I went and bought another test, just to be sure - as if I wasn't already.

So now I am with child. My child. Steve's child. And I am happy. A little afraid of how it will affect the rest of my life, but happy.

I think it was all that goddess energy stuff...you know, the otter...embracing the unknown...creating life. And we did. Once you ask the universe for all it's abundance, it responds, and you see all the dreams that you never believed would come true manifest before your eyes. Pinch me...is this my life? Am I this happy?

The hard stuff...not smoking, decaf, eating fruits and vegetables when I feel like chips. The easy stuff...knowing that this is really a "love child", knowing the baby will be "Scout", knowing that daddy is the gentlest, kindest man I've ever met. But perhaps most of all, knowing that I can do this, perhaps better this time. And that I can discover the world all over again through the eyes of a child, while having the wisdom that comes with being 45 and knowing the importance of sharing the beauty of sunsets, being fearless, enjoying books, talking walks in the park and petting the dog.

We are truly blessed.