little reminders

I hate that feeling...eyes burning, the tears just one puppy kiss away. I think, "don't touch me, or say something nice to me, or I may just sob."

I had one of those days on Tuesday. I'm not sure if it was pms, the sense of time flying and leaving me without wings, or the immensity of the changes in my life. But whatever the reason, I was an emotional time bomb. No matter how many times I told myself to live in the moment, the future seemed to be falling in on me like plaster from a rotting ceiling, one dusty chunk at a time. My mind swirled with thoughts about all the things I should be doing, would be doing soon, and the cost of all the improvements. Worst part was that thoughts about all of these things kept me from doing all of these things. I was obsessing without guided action.

Around noon, Steve's cousin showed up with her daughter who I had agreed to babysit for the afternoon with her two month old puppy. I wasn't sure I could take it.

And it didn't really get any better throughout the day and night. Instead, little aggravations continued. I spilled coffee on my shirt, burned a hole in my sleeve with a cigarette, and had to pay my taxes. Urggggh. And then the groupies began to show up one by one to cement every insecurity I've ever had. First "an old girlfriend" called, then "an old roommate" called with car problems. It was after 8 when I was finally able to talk to my fiance, who is supposed to "be there" when I'm having a bad day, right?

I was angry and I'm sure that he could feel the tension. I think he was afraid to come home and face whatever demons were haunting me. After all, they were MY demons. He was up to the challenge - mostly. It was a big challenge. And he made dinner - mostly. Frozen food in the oven. And he made lists and put together a plan of action.

In the end, I felt a little better, but still had a hard time sleeping. I got up and played solitaire until 2, promising myself with every flip of the cards that tomorrow would be better. No surprise, it was. The key was this. Every time I felt a surge of anxiety, I took a breath and tried to remember the little joys of life. I lay on the bed and petted the dogs. I made tuna and noodle casserole (my comfort food). I read the blogs of my friends. I watched out the window for birds. I looked at a magazine. I watched Decorating Cents. I did get some work done in the middle of all of the joyful things. Which made me feel better, too.

Right now Elmo the cat is lying across my wrist as I type. Can't imagine that he is comfortable, but I guess he needs a little attention. Today he is my little reminder that life is good.