sunday morning

Friendships are weird things. Sometimes they serve us - sometimes they make us feel sad. I feel a close friendship slipping away, and I'm not sure that I've done anything to cause it, which leaves me feeling helpless and out of control. I'm sure the problem is that my location has changed, and I have healed, which leaves my friend in a strange position. She was accustomed to "taking care" of me. In fact, we met when I was most needy. Now that I am feeling myself again, and have taken back control of my life, I no longer need to be taken care of. Therefore, her role has changed. In addition, she was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and I am unable to be there for her. She expects that I should be, but I can't - or won't, due to my own current life changes.

I am hurt by her tone and her comments, but she doesn't see it. She feels abandoned, and I feel unable to do anything about it.

And what is the lesson in this? That the relationship was never truly balanced? That it served its purpose for the short term, and that it is meant to pass as our lives change? Still working that out. I suppose it will resolve itself in due time.

I have been thinking about how most of my friends are very happy for my happiness, and applaud my courage. And these friends, while they do offer their concerns, also share my joy. And no matter how many miles, or days we spend apart, they remain. It's comforting to know they will be there. And I will be there. Perhaps these friendships are not based on expectations, but on something else. Do these friends share my view of the world and relationships as ever-changing? Do they realize, as I do, that physical presence is not essential? and that caring can continue across miles and time? What makes these friendships work, and others fade away?

I do continue to care, but refuse to put myself into the line of fire. I learned this the long, hard way once. In fact, my friend helped me to learn this. Wonder if she thought it would ever apply to her?