Seems like responsibility is my middle name these days. There is seldom a moment where I feel I can simply "be." Thoughts constantly race through my head and every free moment seems spoken for. There is always something to do. And yet today I am compelled to forget all of that. I thnk I will simply enjoy this day. The sun is shining and the temperature is not so low that I want to stay indoors. I think I will shirk all things that I should do in favor of what I want to do. Which begs the question...what do I want to do?
Read and shop and write and laugh. These are the things I want to do. I will not think of the big things like...why does Scout wake up so often in the middle of the night and want to eat? Is he getting enough food? What's up with my skin? Why is it so dry? The gray hairs are coming in again, and I feel unpretty...what should I do about it? What will I ever wear to the wedding? How can I get more work? Should I get more work? or focus on motherhood? What will I do next week when Steve is in Chicago? Unfortunately, there are seldom good answers to these questions, and so they just constantly float around in my head - relentlessly tugging at my brain. I don't want to think about all of this today. I don't want to be responsible. I want to wonder at the beauty of the snow, and wander about the world.
I think Scout and I will start at Starbucks and work our way south, into town. The work and my responsible world will wait another day. Tomorrow will come and the questions will continue to plague me, unanswerable. I remind myself that it is okay to play...to laugh...to have piles of dirty laundry and cat hair on the carpet. The plants will stay green one more day.
Today we will simply live.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
thursday morning
So I joined Oprah's worldwide book event, reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and then participating in the online class. Some of the information is repetitive, things I know or believe, but the rest is new and thought provoking. I wonder more than anything if this EVENT will change the awareness of Earth on a global level. There are hundreds of thousands of people participating, and if all of us actually work at raising our awareness and our consciousness, it could very well change the course of history. Then there's mega-powerful Oprah - does she even get that she is actually changing the world? And how amazing is all of that? It reminds me of the old Merrill Lynch commercial..."When Merrill Lynch talks, people listen." It's a little frightening. And I wonder if she wasn't in a good place - in the light - could she spread darkness around the globe just as easily? In any case, we'll see how this class develops and what insights we learn.
Over the last year, my spiritual practices have disintegrated. I think that the Oprah class is a beginning. I have also reestablished meditation - in a group - at my house on Wednesday nights. This should also help me get back in the saddle. It just seems like there is barely enough time each day to do all the little things that need done, do my work - i need a paycheck - and take care of Scout, which is my total preference. He's such a light for me, and allows me to be peaceful with just a look at his smile. What joy children bring, no? I guess for me, raising my other children, didn't offer the "newborn" opportunity. I didn't really figure I missed anything, but was soooooo wrong. Can I keep my perspective? I doubt it. But it's okay really, as long as I remember that Scout is his own person, and that I am responsible for his care and for loving him, but that he has his own choices to make and life to live. I can only provide a loving foundation for his life...the rest is his.
No matter how much I try to write about other things...his little presence shows up in the words...just like he showed up in my life, unexpectedly. Oh well, this is me now. I suppose I should get used to it.
Over the last year, my spiritual practices have disintegrated. I think that the Oprah class is a beginning. I have also reestablished meditation - in a group - at my house on Wednesday nights. This should also help me get back in the saddle. It just seems like there is barely enough time each day to do all the little things that need done, do my work - i need a paycheck - and take care of Scout, which is my total preference. He's such a light for me, and allows me to be peaceful with just a look at his smile. What joy children bring, no? I guess for me, raising my other children, didn't offer the "newborn" opportunity. I didn't really figure I missed anything, but was soooooo wrong. Can I keep my perspective? I doubt it. But it's okay really, as long as I remember that Scout is his own person, and that I am responsible for his care and for loving him, but that he has his own choices to make and life to live. I can only provide a loving foundation for his life...the rest is his.
No matter how much I try to write about other things...his little presence shows up in the words...just like he showed up in my life, unexpectedly. Oh well, this is me now. I suppose I should get used to it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
needs
My head is too full today and I feel like I'm running in a hundred directions. Instead I am sitting here, trying to clear the fog. When the baby sleeps I am compelled to write, work on my paying projects, do laundry, eat, drink more coffee, organize my life, make the bed, take a shower, talk on the phone, read writing magazines, and buy gifts online. Nothing screams out that it's a priority. Seems like I've spent too much time over the past five months trying to get the baby to nap, then waiting for him to wake up. And so I'm not sure what or how exactly this is going to work. Today I am tired. Was up twice with Scout last night...he doesn't want to sleep through the night. I'm afraid, like me, he's a night owl, and will continue to be. Or perhaps not.
I want to write about the plight of the world, the awakening of awareness and the beauty in a rock...but the words don't come. Where do I start to feel the creativity...how. The books say take a walk...go outside...but with a baby at home I feel stuck, and nothing but Scout inspires me. Perhaps I need to go back to basics, find a good pen.
Buddy the dog keeps me company from the rug in front of the door. It's the only soft place on the sunroom floor. And he sleeps, but keeps watch, and I love it. I look at him over the arch of the baby's exersaucer. His stuff is everywhere. It's okay though...just takes a bit of getting used to.
I think I'll meditate for awhile...quiet the voices in my head, and wait for the baby to wake up.
I want to write about the plight of the world, the awakening of awareness and the beauty in a rock...but the words don't come. Where do I start to feel the creativity...how. The books say take a walk...go outside...but with a baby at home I feel stuck, and nothing but Scout inspires me. Perhaps I need to go back to basics, find a good pen.
Buddy the dog keeps me company from the rug in front of the door. It's the only soft place on the sunroom floor. And he sleeps, but keeps watch, and I love it. I look at him over the arch of the baby's exersaucer. His stuff is everywhere. It's okay though...just takes a bit of getting used to.
I think I'll meditate for awhile...quiet the voices in my head, and wait for the baby to wake up.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
how cold is cold?
The thermometer reads fifteen below...I think I will stay inside today. Looking out the window one would never think that it was that cold. The sky is clear and the sun, just coming up, gives my world a warm glow. Very deceiving. Even the pups are reluctant to walk out the door into the yard they love to play in.
I can't help to think of the first settlers that came here looking for their new home. Were they shocked by the intensity of the winters? South Dakota, I think, is the land of extremes. From heat and cold to thier politics. Quite conservative - hard for a liberal like me to feel at home. But like-minded people exist. It just takes a little mining. Soon one shows up...then another. And if they don't, good conversation and debate with a conservative soul is good for the psyche. Keeps me on my game.
I've yet to be stricken with cabin fever, though there are days when I think I will go mad without a coffee date. It's the converation and not the weather that I miss here. While I have made a few friends, engaged instead on making a new life, I wish for more. I am thankful for Deb, who is a confidante and gift.
I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and considering Oprah's online book discussion. Missing my old book group I think. I often wonder what they're reading and if new faces have appeared to discuss the latest hot literature. We were quite the international bunch which directed the talk and made things interesting.
Things have settled down a bit. Last year marked two weddings and two new little babies in the family. There are no huge events to look forward to, just the simplicity of enjoying life and raising my child. I do miss my sisters and wish they were close enough to drop by and listen to Scout giggle when I say, "Fancy meeting you here."
I will stay inside today and listen to the wind, talk to Scout, the dogs and the cat. I will read if time allows, and try to get a bit of writing finished. The chaos has been replaced by life as ususal. Not bad, all things considered.
I can't help to think of the first settlers that came here looking for their new home. Were they shocked by the intensity of the winters? South Dakota, I think, is the land of extremes. From heat and cold to thier politics. Quite conservative - hard for a liberal like me to feel at home. But like-minded people exist. It just takes a little mining. Soon one shows up...then another. And if they don't, good conversation and debate with a conservative soul is good for the psyche. Keeps me on my game.
I've yet to be stricken with cabin fever, though there are days when I think I will go mad without a coffee date. It's the converation and not the weather that I miss here. While I have made a few friends, engaged instead on making a new life, I wish for more. I am thankful for Deb, who is a confidante and gift.
I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and considering Oprah's online book discussion. Missing my old book group I think. I often wonder what they're reading and if new faces have appeared to discuss the latest hot literature. We were quite the international bunch which directed the talk and made things interesting.
Things have settled down a bit. Last year marked two weddings and two new little babies in the family. There are no huge events to look forward to, just the simplicity of enjoying life and raising my child. I do miss my sisters and wish they were close enough to drop by and listen to Scout giggle when I say, "Fancy meeting you here."
I will stay inside today and listen to the wind, talk to Scout, the dogs and the cat. I will read if time allows, and try to get a bit of writing finished. The chaos has been replaced by life as ususal. Not bad, all things considered.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
notes from rapid city
I'm sitting here in a hotel room in Rapid City, South Dakota, while my husband does his business here. The last time I was here was the first time I visited Steve and we did the whirlwind version of "See South Dakota in 4 Days." I certainly didn't think at that time that we'd have come so far as we have today. I certainly didn't think we'd have a new baby.Scout is napping while I write. It's been nice to spend time with him in a hotel room where there are no chores calling for my attention. There is only time. So we laughed and played, took a walk around the pool and went to breakfast together. Steve will be back soon, and I suppose we will do a little exploring about town. People keep telling me to treasure the time I have now with the baby while he's little...and I know this to be true. Yet is seems as if no matter how hard I try to savor each smile, and hold onto each new little giggle, time is fleeting. The days aren't long enough, and I just can't hold on. I want time to stand still for just a bit so I can drink it all in. Today is one day for that...and I am grateful.
It's been quite a long time since I had a really good idea for a poem...but today it came to me, and I think that the writing bug is biting again. It feels like home...that nagging need to write. I welcome it, and feel that perhaps things are settling down after a year of change. I will begin to write again. I will begin to feel myself again. I will again care about politics and global warming and meditation. Perhaps I will even sit it lotus soon.
I guess it will be myself with a bit of a twist...but in a good and interesting direction.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
sunday morning
A few moments of solitude. I'd almost forgotten what that feels like. In fact, I really didn't know what to do with it at first. The baby ate then fell asleep in bed with Steve while I was in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee. So I left them there, not sure what to do with myself. They look peaceful, the dogs lying at their feet. I think I may shower, without listening for the baby crying.
The sun is just coming up and the world seems still. There is no wind, but snow covers the grass and sparkles just a bit as its light from falls soundlessly against it. These days I seldom enjoy the sunrise, as it is hectic with so much to do.
I've decided that today is mine. Steve has agreed to keep the baby for a few hours while I venture out into the world alone. Alone...for the second time since the baby was born. Though I do have a few hours here and there where I'm not "on," it is rare for me to leave the house without baby in tow. How I love his sweet smile and his new giggle. He lights up my world, but just as easily sends me into a tailspin when I can't comfort him or when he keeps my exhausted mind from much needed sleep. This new baby thing is such a mixed bag. And for me, time is fleeting. I want so much to give him all that he needs, and in that spirit, I tend to neglect my own.
And now it is Sunday morning, and I am alone.
The sun is just coming up and the world seems still. There is no wind, but snow covers the grass and sparkles just a bit as its light from falls soundlessly against it. These days I seldom enjoy the sunrise, as it is hectic with so much to do.
I've decided that today is mine. Steve has agreed to keep the baby for a few hours while I venture out into the world alone. Alone...for the second time since the baby was born. Though I do have a few hours here and there where I'm not "on," it is rare for me to leave the house without baby in tow. How I love his sweet smile and his new giggle. He lights up my world, but just as easily sends me into a tailspin when I can't comfort him or when he keeps my exhausted mind from much needed sleep. This new baby thing is such a mixed bag. And for me, time is fleeting. I want so much to give him all that he needs, and in that spirit, I tend to neglect my own.
And now it is Sunday morning, and I am alone.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
birth day
My entire family and even some people that are not family have been waiting, somewhat impatiently, for this day. My sister Mora is scheduled to have her little girl today. She already has a name, Ellie, and she is rumored to be more than a handful. Unfortunately, she presented herself breech, which makes me wonder if that's a sign that she will swim against the tide in future months, and so the doctor's are right now trying to move her a bit so that Mora can attempt a natural birth. If these doctors are unsuccessful, a Cesarean will be performed later today. Right now I'm waiting to hear just what the day will bring.
I was watching The View yesterday and they were discussing the fact that many women today are choosing a home birth without the help of medical personnel as they feel doctors are too quick to do Cesarean births without giving nature the chance to take its course. In my case, the c-section was an "emergency", but I continue to believe that the drug they administered to start my labor didn't cause this emergency. Water over the bridge, but now I'm thinking about Mora's scheduled c-section. They say she's healthy, and the baby is chubby and healthy, but that she has an overabundance of fluid making her "high risk". It is for that reason they want her to deliver today. What if - I ask myself - they allowed Mora to go into labor? Perhaps Ellie would right herself, and there would be no need for surgery. I'm just not sure why there's such a rush to bring this little one into the world. We could debate the pros and cons, but since I'm sure I don't know all the details, I will just leave that question unanswered, and continue to wait to hear just how Ellie will make her way into the world.
I've been talking to her this morning...I know, she far away, but distance I think is only important when one is traveling on foot or over land. Thoughts can travel at a speed we can only imagine.
And so dear Ellie, I welcome you to the world and wish you safe travel. I'm sure the shock at feeling the open air will be quite uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. And soon, the hand that has reached for you through a layer of tummy flesh and water will be touching your soft skin and rubbing your back. Some may tell you the world is a cruel place, but I think differently. Each day is an adventure with lots of lovely things to discover. Some of my favorites are snow flakes and hummingbirds. I'm sure you'll find your own favorites soon enough.
I can't wait for you to meet your cousin, Scout, who is just a bit older than you. I'm sure you'll be fast friends. And all of your aunties will spoil you more than you can imagine. Just ask your big sister, Emma.
Well...the verdict is in. A call from my mom confirmed that Ellie, who may be a bit stubborn, preferred the breech position and would not turn. And so the doctors have just taken Mora to the operating room for surgery. Ellie should be breathing air any time now. I suppose all is as it should be.
Welcome, little one.
I was watching The View yesterday and they were discussing the fact that many women today are choosing a home birth without the help of medical personnel as they feel doctors are too quick to do Cesarean births without giving nature the chance to take its course. In my case, the c-section was an "emergency", but I continue to believe that the drug they administered to start my labor didn't cause this emergency. Water over the bridge, but now I'm thinking about Mora's scheduled c-section. They say she's healthy, and the baby is chubby and healthy, but that she has an overabundance of fluid making her "high risk". It is for that reason they want her to deliver today. What if - I ask myself - they allowed Mora to go into labor? Perhaps Ellie would right herself, and there would be no need for surgery. I'm just not sure why there's such a rush to bring this little one into the world. We could debate the pros and cons, but since I'm sure I don't know all the details, I will just leave that question unanswered, and continue to wait to hear just how Ellie will make her way into the world.
I've been talking to her this morning...I know, she far away, but distance I think is only important when one is traveling on foot or over land. Thoughts can travel at a speed we can only imagine.
And so dear Ellie, I welcome you to the world and wish you safe travel. I'm sure the shock at feeling the open air will be quite uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. And soon, the hand that has reached for you through a layer of tummy flesh and water will be touching your soft skin and rubbing your back. Some may tell you the world is a cruel place, but I think differently. Each day is an adventure with lots of lovely things to discover. Some of my favorites are snow flakes and hummingbirds. I'm sure you'll find your own favorites soon enough.
I can't wait for you to meet your cousin, Scout, who is just a bit older than you. I'm sure you'll be fast friends. And all of your aunties will spoil you more than you can imagine. Just ask your big sister, Emma.
Well...the verdict is in. A call from my mom confirmed that Ellie, who may be a bit stubborn, preferred the breech position and would not turn. And so the doctors have just taken Mora to the operating room for surgery. Ellie should be breathing air any time now. I suppose all is as it should be.
Welcome, little one.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
so it's a new year
Scout rang in the New Year with a bang. Beginning at about three minutes 'til midnight, he began crying in an inconsolable way. It lasted until 12:12, when he decided he had been duly heard and abruptly stopped sobbing with a few long sighs and fell fast asleep. He was certainly the center of our small and casual gathering, reminding us that this new year will be "all about him." As if I needed reminding.
Like last year, I have made no resolutions, but will continue to try to challenge myself in new ways. As I look back on 2007, I realize that no one in his right mind would have made as many big decisions and life changes as I did. But no one has ever accused me of being fully sane. Between buying a new house, getting married and having a baby, I think I covered all of the bases. And I wouldn't change a thing. Some people may say there will be nothing to look forward to. I don't think I could take much more, so I am simply looking forward to getting into a groove and writing more. Ultimately, that is a big part of why I am here...I've just had a little hiatus.
Good news today from an old colleague. She needs me to do a bit of writing for her...looks like a new door...and L wants me to do some editing...a window perhaps. I so think that I am too tied to the old Houston stuff by my contract work there and financial issues. I so need to clear this stuff so I can move forward. There are so many opportunities just around the corner, that I should just close my eyes and let them present themselves.
I have by no means made it a New Year's resolution to quit smoking, but I am making headway. Right now, though, I really want to smoke. Because we don't smoke in the house, it would mean going into the garage, not so bad in the summer...awful when the temps are in the teens or below. And so it's a good thing I don't have cigarettes because I would probably freeze in the garage, right?
Oh, and you anonymous, whoever you are that knows me from the past...why don't you just pull off the veil of secrecy and let me know who you are... I would love to chat.
Like last year, I have made no resolutions, but will continue to try to challenge myself in new ways. As I look back on 2007, I realize that no one in his right mind would have made as many big decisions and life changes as I did. But no one has ever accused me of being fully sane. Between buying a new house, getting married and having a baby, I think I covered all of the bases. And I wouldn't change a thing. Some people may say there will be nothing to look forward to. I don't think I could take much more, so I am simply looking forward to getting into a groove and writing more. Ultimately, that is a big part of why I am here...I've just had a little hiatus.
Good news today from an old colleague. She needs me to do a bit of writing for her...looks like a new door...and L wants me to do some editing...a window perhaps. I so think that I am too tied to the old Houston stuff by my contract work there and financial issues. I so need to clear this stuff so I can move forward. There are so many opportunities just around the corner, that I should just close my eyes and let them present themselves.
I have by no means made it a New Year's resolution to quit smoking, but I am making headway. Right now, though, I really want to smoke. Because we don't smoke in the house, it would mean going into the garage, not so bad in the summer...awful when the temps are in the teens or below. And so it's a good thing I don't have cigarettes because I would probably freeze in the garage, right?
Oh, and you anonymous, whoever you are that knows me from the past...why don't you just pull off the veil of secrecy and let me know who you are... I would love to chat.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
so i've been busy
As requested, a picture of Scout with his favorite Christmas gift...Roscoe.
Seems like there's never time to sit down and blog. This I miss. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, but I do believe that everyday starts a new year. And so I will blog. I will find time to blog. I feel better when I blog.
Hit the wall yesterday. Mommyhood is great, but sometimes even mommies need a rest. Seems like Steve's work and needy friends have kept him away from home a bit more than usual, leaving me less "me" time and a little more stress. Additionally, Scout is awake much more these days, meaning I have to be more entertaining. I know...I don't have to be on all the time, but I do feel like letting his sit staring at toys he can't play with is not the best use of his awake time. By the time Steve gets home, I'm beat and out of ideas and energy. Unfortunately, so is he. And so there has to be a solution, and I'm working on it. I get that being a new parent means not sleeping much and seldom doing what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it. And so I am happy, but I need some more time away. I think that I will begin that after the change in the calendar.
Work sucks right now and so I will also be looking for alternative employment. I'm picky, and so it won't be easy and I want lots of time with the baby. Not sure how that will all pan out, but know that it will.
There's lots of snow here, and my world is frosted and beautiful. This I love. I've obviously adjusted to South Dakota's weather since I seldom feel the need to bundle up. It could of course be hormonal. I think I've been "warm" since I got pregnant. Other side effects: dry skin and a not-so-flat tummy. While I may be able to fix the skin thing...I'm not so sure about the belly.
I'm feeling good that I got this out there...
More later...
I promise
Seems like there's never time to sit down and blog. This I miss. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, but I do believe that everyday starts a new year. And so I will blog. I will find time to blog. I feel better when I blog.
Hit the wall yesterday. Mommyhood is great, but sometimes even mommies need a rest. Seems like Steve's work and needy friends have kept him away from home a bit more than usual, leaving me less "me" time and a little more stress. Additionally, Scout is awake much more these days, meaning I have to be more entertaining. I know...I don't have to be on all the time, but I do feel like letting his sit staring at toys he can't play with is not the best use of his awake time. By the time Steve gets home, I'm beat and out of ideas and energy. Unfortunately, so is he. And so there has to be a solution, and I'm working on it. I get that being a new parent means not sleeping much and seldom doing what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it. And so I am happy, but I need some more time away. I think that I will begin that after the change in the calendar.
Work sucks right now and so I will also be looking for alternative employment. I'm picky, and so it won't be easy and I want lots of time with the baby. Not sure how that will all pan out, but know that it will.
There's lots of snow here, and my world is frosted and beautiful. This I love. I've obviously adjusted to South Dakota's weather since I seldom feel the need to bundle up. It could of course be hormonal. I think I've been "warm" since I got pregnant. Other side effects: dry skin and a not-so-flat tummy. While I may be able to fix the skin thing...I'm not so sure about the belly.
I'm feeling good that I got this out there...
More later...
I promise
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
acceptance
Wednesday morning...the air is cooler now as autumn is virtually here. Breathing is easier, and the sun not nearly so hot as it's been. Darkness comes earlier, though the moon is often still in the sky when I wake. And it's September.
I am ready for the coming winter, to nest here, surrounded by snow. While the summers aren't nearly as long or uncomfortable as they were in Houston, it feels right somehow for it to end and become something different, cooler, more colorful. The plants I think are ready, too. The hibiscus have bloomed faithfully all summer long, and the impatience wilt in the afternoon sun, only to raise their bright orange faces again as the dew sits on their leaves. They need a rest and will have one soon.
This winter will be quite different I think, as the coming of the baby can't be far away. The doctor continues to reassure me that this process will end, labor will begin soon, and that all is well. In the meantime, I continue to try to maintain peace and to enjoy the tiny movements that make my tummy swell and swish. I surrender to the life force within, which tells me that timing is divine, and though we humans do like to feel as if we can control the universe, it simply isn't so where the natural world is concerned. The summer ends, the fall begins, and babies come when they are ready. Until that time, the body is a vessel for growth, warmth and development. It is simply not all mine anymore.
And I think that I would like it if my home is the same...peaceful...a place where we all grow, feel warm and develop. A place we share for a time with those we love, and a place where we let nature lead the way, where we can let go of the control for awhile, and just be the people that we are and that we are becoming. The rest of the world can rush and fret, thinking that every little choice and option really makes a difference. As for my little family, I think that we will try to surrender a little, and know that all that control is simply an illusion.
And so, sweet child, come when you will. I will be waiting for you as I have waited for the cooler nights and the changing of the leaves. They have arrived, as you will soon.
I am ready for the coming winter, to nest here, surrounded by snow. While the summers aren't nearly as long or uncomfortable as they were in Houston, it feels right somehow for it to end and become something different, cooler, more colorful. The plants I think are ready, too. The hibiscus have bloomed faithfully all summer long, and the impatience wilt in the afternoon sun, only to raise their bright orange faces again as the dew sits on their leaves. They need a rest and will have one soon.
This winter will be quite different I think, as the coming of the baby can't be far away. The doctor continues to reassure me that this process will end, labor will begin soon, and that all is well. In the meantime, I continue to try to maintain peace and to enjoy the tiny movements that make my tummy swell and swish. I surrender to the life force within, which tells me that timing is divine, and though we humans do like to feel as if we can control the universe, it simply isn't so where the natural world is concerned. The summer ends, the fall begins, and babies come when they are ready. Until that time, the body is a vessel for growth, warmth and development. It is simply not all mine anymore.
And I think that I would like it if my home is the same...peaceful...a place where we all grow, feel warm and develop. A place we share for a time with those we love, and a place where we let nature lead the way, where we can let go of the control for awhile, and just be the people that we are and that we are becoming. The rest of the world can rush and fret, thinking that every little choice and option really makes a difference. As for my little family, I think that we will try to surrender a little, and know that all that control is simply an illusion.
And so, sweet child, come when you will. I will be waiting for you as I have waited for the cooler nights and the changing of the leaves. They have arrived, as you will soon.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
tuesday morning
My unborn child is perfectly comfortable lounging on my bladder which is, according to the doctor pancake thin. Gotta love it. Yesterday's office visit was again uneventful. I think I'm supposed to be happy about this. How could one be disappointed when the doctor says that the baby is doing well and is right on schedule. And look at those little ankles...no swelling. You're doing great. I can only be happy - there have been no complications or major problems. Life is good. And yet somewhere in my heart there is a longing to be done with the pregnancy and onto the next phase of this life's journey. Keeping peaceful and trying to stay in the moment is helping. I am trying to treasure each little kick and squirm, knowing that most likely, this will be the only time in my life I am able to feel this...life growing inside of my own body.
On the other hand, I am a bit antsy about my sister's wedding in Ohio scheduled for October 6. The closer it gets, the more afraid I become about not being able to make the trip. At this point, I still anticipate the travel will be okay. But am somewhat concerned about alterations on the dress. My sister Mora threw a little curve ball announcing her own pregnancy, leaving the slew of bridesmaids playing musical dresses. Who will wear the size six she ordered is yet to be determined. My dress is on its way here, but can't be altered until after the baby is born. I suppose all will work out as it should...
The 17 hour ride in the car to Ohio post-baby may be a bit daunting, but I'm willing as long as this child makes a move pretty soon.
A special note to anonymous: Who are you and why are you concerned with my spiritual growth and beliefs? Be assured that my soul is not in peril, despite what you believe. I'm more concerned with your need to lead me down your path to God...We all must find our way through this life and our own spiritual connection. Mine's working for me. If I knew just who you were (a voice from the past?) I may be better able to address you. For now, be consoled. I'm good with the source, and the source is good with me.
On the other hand, I am a bit antsy about my sister's wedding in Ohio scheduled for October 6. The closer it gets, the more afraid I become about not being able to make the trip. At this point, I still anticipate the travel will be okay. But am somewhat concerned about alterations on the dress. My sister Mora threw a little curve ball announcing her own pregnancy, leaving the slew of bridesmaids playing musical dresses. Who will wear the size six she ordered is yet to be determined. My dress is on its way here, but can't be altered until after the baby is born. I suppose all will work out as it should...
The 17 hour ride in the car to Ohio post-baby may be a bit daunting, but I'm willing as long as this child makes a move pretty soon.
A special note to anonymous: Who are you and why are you concerned with my spiritual growth and beliefs? Be assured that my soul is not in peril, despite what you believe. I'm more concerned with your need to lead me down your path to God...We all must find our way through this life and our own spiritual connection. Mine's working for me. If I knew just who you were (a voice from the past?) I may be better able to address you. For now, be consoled. I'm good with the source, and the source is good with me.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
August 14
Update: There were absolutely no notable events that I am aware of that happened on August 10th. I have stopped thinking about what the message meant as there seems to be no answer.
My trip to the doctor was unremarkable. He said all is well with his usual smile and that the baby is growing and thriving. He continues to think I should eat more often. I do what I can. I suppose my little man is happy where he is. And who wouldn't be, right. Cozy and warm he is kept out of harms way and treated to ice cream and hot fudge at night. He cuddles up and rests when he wants, sleeps when he wants, and he is obviously not feeling the pressure to emerge. I'm okay with that...I have to be. In fact, perhaps I'm a bit envious, as it would be nice to be hidden away in a womb somewhere, feeling warm and loved, and just resting.
As for other events of my life, at this stage of the game my focus is solely on having this happy, healthy baby. So there is little to report aside from an occasional cook-out and such.
Basically, without wishing my life away, I want to have the baby and be onto post-pregnancy stuff, like staying up all night, breastfeeding and changing diapers. You know you're at the ragged edge when that stuff sounds good to you, no? Just as the baby is cocooned, so am I...waiting for the day when we can fly together.
My trip to the doctor was unremarkable. He said all is well with his usual smile and that the baby is growing and thriving. He continues to think I should eat more often. I do what I can. I suppose my little man is happy where he is. And who wouldn't be, right. Cozy and warm he is kept out of harms way and treated to ice cream and hot fudge at night. He cuddles up and rests when he wants, sleeps when he wants, and he is obviously not feeling the pressure to emerge. I'm okay with that...I have to be. In fact, perhaps I'm a bit envious, as it would be nice to be hidden away in a womb somewhere, feeling warm and loved, and just resting.
As for other events of my life, at this stage of the game my focus is solely on having this happy, healthy baby. So there is little to report aside from an occasional cook-out and such.
Basically, without wishing my life away, I want to have the baby and be onto post-pregnancy stuff, like staying up all night, breastfeeding and changing diapers. You know you're at the ragged edge when that stuff sounds good to you, no? Just as the baby is cocooned, so am I...waiting for the day when we can fly together.
Friday, August 10, 2007
August 10
Well, this date has been looming for me ever since I heard that strange morning message heralding the date. Since that time, I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby and today's doctor's appointment, which turned out to be nothing if not uneventful. In fact, my doctors says it's more likely that the baby will come in September, based on my size, ultrasound, etc. And so I'm thinking, great...the baby will come when the time is right. But what was all the hoopla around August 10?
It's still early here and there have been few things to suggest today will be any more eventful than yesterday or the day before that. I sit here at my computer thinking there is work to do and things to accomplish. And so I wait for something huge...spectacular even, to suggest that the weird voice in my head that said, "on August 10" was something more that the wild imaginings of a pregnant woman.
In the meantime, life goes on, my heart beats and the world continues to spin. Perhaps it is I who should make something happen. What? I'm sure I'm not sure. But I will think about it, and ask those who suggested that something might be in the works to chime in anytime to give me a clue.
I remember thinking not too long ago that the joy of an ordinary day was something to treasure, perhaps that's the message.
It's still early here and there have been few things to suggest today will be any more eventful than yesterday or the day before that. I sit here at my computer thinking there is work to do and things to accomplish. And so I wait for something huge...spectacular even, to suggest that the weird voice in my head that said, "on August 10" was something more that the wild imaginings of a pregnant woman.
In the meantime, life goes on, my heart beats and the world continues to spin. Perhaps it is I who should make something happen. What? I'm sure I'm not sure. But I will think about it, and ask those who suggested that something might be in the works to chime in anytime to give me a clue.
I remember thinking not too long ago that the joy of an ordinary day was something to treasure, perhaps that's the message.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
counting down
Today I pulled the elastic out of the waistband of my shorts. Who in their right mind would make maternity shorts with a wide band of tight elastic around the waist? I bought three pair, thinking that would be enough to get me through this pregnancy. As it turns out, with a bit of modification, they do work.
I have entered the stage in which nothing feels comfortable other than sweats, and in 90 degree weather, that is simply not an option. While I do feel blessed that this pregnancy has been relatively easy...not much morning sickness, no headaches, only occasional heartburn, normal blood pressure and minimal weight gain...I am beginning to feel the irritability and the fatigue. When I feel it coming on, I try to stay positive and do something that makes me feel good...like eat hot fudge sundaes - a tasty, but temporary, fix.
The baby's room is almost finished and looks adorable. After a road trip to Ohio for a baby shower attended by many aunts and cousins and friends, we're set. If the baby were to come today, he would be born into a world where everything has been arranged for his ultimate comfort and joy. What a lucky kid, no?
I though, am not sure that I am prepared for the day when he decides that it's time to come out and take a peek into the world. Though I have shied away from reading about everything that could go wrong, I do know that labor is painful, and that it could be a long and grueling process. I'm sure that I have absolutely no idea what it will be like, but have opted to stay away from medication for pain unless of course I change my mind mid-delivery. This from a control freak, of course, who believes that the more I can "help" with strong, sensitive muscles, the easier it will be for the baby to make his entrance. I suppose we'll see.
And so I am counting down the days. My scheduled due date is August 30, but a voice whispered in my ear on waking one morning..."August 10." As I am one who believes that the universe often whispers information straight into our ears should we choose to hear it, I'll be ready. The frightening thing is that August 10 is just around the corner...whew...here we go.
The baby is moving around as I type this, reminding me that my life will be different in the days ahead, and that ready or not, he's on his way. It's comforting to feel him and know that he is well. Today we will listen to lullabies as I hang the curtain in his room and put the final touches on the walls. He will be my baby and I will be his mommy, and we will both be loved in the way only mothers and their children can know.
I have entered the stage in which nothing feels comfortable other than sweats, and in 90 degree weather, that is simply not an option. While I do feel blessed that this pregnancy has been relatively easy...not much morning sickness, no headaches, only occasional heartburn, normal blood pressure and minimal weight gain...I am beginning to feel the irritability and the fatigue. When I feel it coming on, I try to stay positive and do something that makes me feel good...like eat hot fudge sundaes - a tasty, but temporary, fix.
The baby's room is almost finished and looks adorable. After a road trip to Ohio for a baby shower attended by many aunts and cousins and friends, we're set. If the baby were to come today, he would be born into a world where everything has been arranged for his ultimate comfort and joy. What a lucky kid, no?
I though, am not sure that I am prepared for the day when he decides that it's time to come out and take a peek into the world. Though I have shied away from reading about everything that could go wrong, I do know that labor is painful, and that it could be a long and grueling process. I'm sure that I have absolutely no idea what it will be like, but have opted to stay away from medication for pain unless of course I change my mind mid-delivery. This from a control freak, of course, who believes that the more I can "help" with strong, sensitive muscles, the easier it will be for the baby to make his entrance. I suppose we'll see.
And so I am counting down the days. My scheduled due date is August 30, but a voice whispered in my ear on waking one morning..."August 10." As I am one who believes that the universe often whispers information straight into our ears should we choose to hear it, I'll be ready. The frightening thing is that August 10 is just around the corner...whew...here we go.
The baby is moving around as I type this, reminding me that my life will be different in the days ahead, and that ready or not, he's on his way. It's comforting to feel him and know that he is well. Today we will listen to lullabies as I hang the curtain in his room and put the final touches on the walls. He will be my baby and I will be his mommy, and we will both be loved in the way only mothers and their children can know.
Friday, June 22, 2007
summer begins
With so much going on, it seems I'd forgotten the Solstice. New seasons come and go, but this summer, the Solstice seems to reflect the new beginnings of my own life. And perhaps an end of the old things that do not serve me.
On the heels of the wedding bliss, tragedy raised its head. The cycle of life and death, joy and sorrow continues. Steve's tiny cousin Austin passed into the next life. At only three and a half, he had been such a joy to his family, indeed, anyone who had ever met him. For such a small child, he left quite a legacy of love and joy in his wake. In my own heart, I know that somewhere in time and space, Austin chose his time of passing, and that he now has new lessons to learn in another time and space. Unfortunately, this doesn't heal the grief felt by family and friends on his passing. Godspeed little one...
A new child is on its way and as amazing as it remains to me, Steve and I created it. Still blows me away that out of love, a child takes shape and grows and moves. My latest doctor's appointment confirmed what I already know, everything is good. The baby is due at the end of August, but my dreams and intuition tell me that perhaps he will arrive earlier. Messages from the other side have been very clear, and so I am preparing myself and trying to remember that the timing is divine and all is perfect. Throughout my entire relationship with Steve, things happen "on schedule." This continues to make me smile to myself, remembering to trust in the Universe and the plans we made together before I was born.
I've heard that when one is "with child", dreams become more frequent and very vivid. I've always had vivid dreams, and strange ones at that. Lately they have become even more telling. Last night I dreamed of a huge eagle flying into and landing in my back yard under a blooming cherry tree. There is no cherry tree in my back yard, but a pear tree that is now bearing tiny little fruits. As is my nature, I looked for the symbolism in all of it. Turning to the "Animal Magic" book, I find that the eagle is a sign of Spirit, and asks on to reconnect with the spiritual side. When I'm honest with myself, I know that I have fallen away from my meditation practice in the hubbub of everyday life. Time to get back at it, I think. The eagle also symbolizes creativity, new birth and healing. Imagine that. And so this huge bald eagle that flew into my dreams reminds me of my place here, and the lessons I chose to learn in this life. I know that the child that is coming for me to take care of will transform my life in many ways and open me up to love that I've never allowed myself to experience in the past. I do have fears...but have tried to keep them out of my own space, choosing instead to be filled with excitement and possibility. The little things will take care of themselves.
How I was lucky enough to land where I am now still throws me. Just not sure how one person can have the life I now have and all the good stuff that goes along with it. An optimist - I see that my glass is not only half full, but overflowing - and I'm not looking for anyone to tip over the glass any time soon.
On the heels of the wedding bliss, tragedy raised its head. The cycle of life and death, joy and sorrow continues. Steve's tiny cousin Austin passed into the next life. At only three and a half, he had been such a joy to his family, indeed, anyone who had ever met him. For such a small child, he left quite a legacy of love and joy in his wake. In my own heart, I know that somewhere in time and space, Austin chose his time of passing, and that he now has new lessons to learn in another time and space. Unfortunately, this doesn't heal the grief felt by family and friends on his passing. Godspeed little one...
A new child is on its way and as amazing as it remains to me, Steve and I created it. Still blows me away that out of love, a child takes shape and grows and moves. My latest doctor's appointment confirmed what I already know, everything is good. The baby is due at the end of August, but my dreams and intuition tell me that perhaps he will arrive earlier. Messages from the other side have been very clear, and so I am preparing myself and trying to remember that the timing is divine and all is perfect. Throughout my entire relationship with Steve, things happen "on schedule." This continues to make me smile to myself, remembering to trust in the Universe and the plans we made together before I was born.
I've heard that when one is "with child", dreams become more frequent and very vivid. I've always had vivid dreams, and strange ones at that. Lately they have become even more telling. Last night I dreamed of a huge eagle flying into and landing in my back yard under a blooming cherry tree. There is no cherry tree in my back yard, but a pear tree that is now bearing tiny little fruits. As is my nature, I looked for the symbolism in all of it. Turning to the "Animal Magic" book, I find that the eagle is a sign of Spirit, and asks on to reconnect with the spiritual side. When I'm honest with myself, I know that I have fallen away from my meditation practice in the hubbub of everyday life. Time to get back at it, I think. The eagle also symbolizes creativity, new birth and healing. Imagine that. And so this huge bald eagle that flew into my dreams reminds me of my place here, and the lessons I chose to learn in this life. I know that the child that is coming for me to take care of will transform my life in many ways and open me up to love that I've never allowed myself to experience in the past. I do have fears...but have tried to keep them out of my own space, choosing instead to be filled with excitement and possibility. The little things will take care of themselves.
How I was lucky enough to land where I am now still throws me. Just not sure how one person can have the life I now have and all the good stuff that goes along with it. An optimist - I see that my glass is not only half full, but overflowing - and I'm not looking for anyone to tip over the glass any time soon.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
reception and other things
I promised details...
The reception was in Wetonka, SD - Steve's home town...more than 200 miles from Sioux Falls. There are officially 7 residents that live in town. Most others around there are farmers from the country around there. My family, being a bit less rural, was somewhat shocked at the abandoned church, saloon and farmhouses "in town." But when Steve's Aunt Jacky zoomed around the corner in a golf cart to take them on a tour, all fears of what was to come were lost and smiles grew on every face.
The only (and I mean only) place to go in town is the Neon Moon. Some call it a bar, others a cafe. It's actually a bit of both, and people come from miles away to gather there. Young, older, with and without kids. It was built only a couple of years ago by a guy named Dave who wanted a place to drink that he "wouldn't get thrown out of." And so there in the middle of practically nothing is a great little place to go where people laugh, dance, listen to live bands, and generally have a good time. And so the reception was held at the Neon Moon. Sherry, Dave's long-time girl who moved out from California and Linda, Steve's mom, had the place looking quite festive. The locals had offered to bring some dips and salads to accompany the ham, pork loin, cake and punch.
Steve was a trooper about dancing - not only with me, but with the bridal party, his cousins, my mom, his mom, and even Wolfie and Bo. The little ones didn't last too long, and found a place to crash on top the pool table. They had a big time. As the night wore on, he was a bit easier to convince. My sisters had a ball, and even my parents, who aren't much for drinking seemed to really enjoy the entire night...which lasted until morning. As long as people were having fun, Dave let those of us staying in the rooms in the back continue the party.
Steve and I did go to our room before some of the others. And Ann was a hit dancing on the bar at 4 a.m. in Megan's boxer shorts. Sorry sis.
The best thing about the night was that two families from totally different places were able to feel so comfortable with each other. There was a time, just before the wedding, that I wondered just how it would go. But all my fears faded as the night wore on. People made new friends, strangers laughed together, and you could really feel the love. I guess that's what marriage is all about, the joining together of families...and the realization that no matter how different we are, there's something that makes us all the same.
Pictures of the wedding are posted at www.biggrinphoto.com. The password is Rohwedder. I will post some of the other candid shots on flicker when I get some time.
I'm starting to feel peaceful again...the baby and I have some quiet time and little by little the house and our lives are settling down. This is good. It's time.
The reception was in Wetonka, SD - Steve's home town...more than 200 miles from Sioux Falls. There are officially 7 residents that live in town. Most others around there are farmers from the country around there. My family, being a bit less rural, was somewhat shocked at the abandoned church, saloon and farmhouses "in town." But when Steve's Aunt Jacky zoomed around the corner in a golf cart to take them on a tour, all fears of what was to come were lost and smiles grew on every face.
The only (and I mean only) place to go in town is the Neon Moon. Some call it a bar, others a cafe. It's actually a bit of both, and people come from miles away to gather there. Young, older, with and without kids. It was built only a couple of years ago by a guy named Dave who wanted a place to drink that he "wouldn't get thrown out of." And so there in the middle of practically nothing is a great little place to go where people laugh, dance, listen to live bands, and generally have a good time. And so the reception was held at the Neon Moon. Sherry, Dave's long-time girl who moved out from California and Linda, Steve's mom, had the place looking quite festive. The locals had offered to bring some dips and salads to accompany the ham, pork loin, cake and punch.
Steve was a trooper about dancing - not only with me, but with the bridal party, his cousins, my mom, his mom, and even Wolfie and Bo. The little ones didn't last too long, and found a place to crash on top the pool table. They had a big time. As the night wore on, he was a bit easier to convince. My sisters had a ball, and even my parents, who aren't much for drinking seemed to really enjoy the entire night...which lasted until morning. As long as people were having fun, Dave let those of us staying in the rooms in the back continue the party.
Steve and I did go to our room before some of the others. And Ann was a hit dancing on the bar at 4 a.m. in Megan's boxer shorts. Sorry sis.
The best thing about the night was that two families from totally different places were able to feel so comfortable with each other. There was a time, just before the wedding, that I wondered just how it would go. But all my fears faded as the night wore on. People made new friends, strangers laughed together, and you could really feel the love. I guess that's what marriage is all about, the joining together of families...and the realization that no matter how different we are, there's something that makes us all the same.
Pictures of the wedding are posted at www.biggrinphoto.com. The password is Rohwedder. I will post some of the other candid shots on flicker when I get some time.
I'm starting to feel peaceful again...the baby and I have some quiet time and little by little the house and our lives are settling down. This is good. It's time.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
recovery
It's Wednesday morning and hard to believe that the wedding is over and all the guests have returned home. What I know is that we've made tons of memories and left just about everyone with the warm fuzzies.
Steve's mom, dad and Aunt Jacky arrived first (on Tuesday night) to help with all the almost last minute details. My family began arriving from Texas and Ohio on Thursday. The house was full and the details were all that was left to tie up. The weather people were predicting rain, but with a little help from the gods, Sioux Falls stayed dry throughout the festivities.
The yard looked beautiful, thanks to Steve's careful tending for weeks before. Daisies and wildflowers bloomed everywhere and the hibiscus was its showy best all day Saturday, attracting butterflies and hummingbirds. Despite the wind, the arch remained in place all day long. Chairs and tables were set up and the flowers delivered. When I saw them I was thrilled. Each bouquet was made from Stargazer lilies, green hydrangeas, and pink peonies. They were amazing. Mason jars filled with the same were placed throughout the yard and it was unbelievably beautiful. A few river rocks in the bottom of each vase kept them standing in the ever increasing wind.
When it was time to dress, I had lots of help and was hugely relieved when it fit perfectly. Bridesmaids dresses fit with a few nips and tucks, and the groomsmen were oh-so-handsome in their "uncomfortable" tuxedos. I had chosen ivory jackets with black slacks and the choice was perfect.
Then it was 3 o'clock...I was so ready. The music started to play and one by one each couple made their way down the toward Lynnette - the officiant - and the garden arch. Emma and Matt, the flower girl and ring bearer were precious. And then it was my turn. When we walked toward the front, I knew that everyone in the place was touched, but me most of all. Regardless of all the landscaping, guests, flowers and music, this was what it was all about.
Daddy reached over and handed my hand to my husband, who gently took it and looked at me with such love and respect that I almost cried.
And Lynnette, in her own amazing way, began to take over and lead us - as she does so perfectly - through a ceremony that touched even the toughest hearts.
When my sister Ann did here reading from The Prophet - she had to stop occassionally to regroup as the tears were freely flowing. Which caused little Emma to sob, and the rest of the girls to pull out hankies. (Despite their overt manliness, even a few of the groomsmen later admitted they were having trouble holding back the tears.) When we said our vows, the weeping continued - I think it was because of the truth of it all. We committed to allow each other to be who we are with support and love. And promised that the couple we had become would be a greater whole. And when it was time for the kiss, everyone was feeling the love.
Perfect - of course. The entire wedding.
We exited, ate fabulous food, stood for tons of photos and everyone was happy.
The wind blew the arch down about fifteen minutes after the photos were finished - and it was so okay.
Memorable moments:
Steve's mom and Aunt Jacky giving me his grandmother's ring to wear.
Ann and Emma's tears
Steve in his tuxedo with his Larry the Cable Guy shirt underneath
All the sisters together
Matthew's grin and kisses
The look in Steve's eyes
My own tears
The beautiful flowers
The togetherness despite differences
The sound of the windchimes
Lynnette's strength and presence
My sister Ann's love
There are so many more....
The reception in Wetonka was fab...and I'll try to recap tomorrow.
Ain't love grand?
Suffice it to say that the music turned out just fine, and the food was delicious, and the ceremony went very well.
Steve's mom, dad and Aunt Jacky arrived first (on Tuesday night) to help with all the almost last minute details. My family began arriving from Texas and Ohio on Thursday. The house was full and the details were all that was left to tie up. The weather people were predicting rain, but with a little help from the gods, Sioux Falls stayed dry throughout the festivities.
The yard looked beautiful, thanks to Steve's careful tending for weeks before. Daisies and wildflowers bloomed everywhere and the hibiscus was its showy best all day Saturday, attracting butterflies and hummingbirds. Despite the wind, the arch remained in place all day long. Chairs and tables were set up and the flowers delivered. When I saw them I was thrilled. Each bouquet was made from Stargazer lilies, green hydrangeas, and pink peonies. They were amazing. Mason jars filled with the same were placed throughout the yard and it was unbelievably beautiful. A few river rocks in the bottom of each vase kept them standing in the ever increasing wind.
When it was time to dress, I had lots of help and was hugely relieved when it fit perfectly. Bridesmaids dresses fit with a few nips and tucks, and the groomsmen were oh-so-handsome in their "uncomfortable" tuxedos. I had chosen ivory jackets with black slacks and the choice was perfect.
Then it was 3 o'clock...I was so ready. The music started to play and one by one each couple made their way down the toward Lynnette - the officiant - and the garden arch. Emma and Matt, the flower girl and ring bearer were precious. And then it was my turn. When we walked toward the front, I knew that everyone in the place was touched, but me most of all. Regardless of all the landscaping, guests, flowers and music, this was what it was all about.
Daddy reached over and handed my hand to my husband, who gently took it and looked at me with such love and respect that I almost cried.
And Lynnette, in her own amazing way, began to take over and lead us - as she does so perfectly - through a ceremony that touched even the toughest hearts.
When my sister Ann did here reading from The Prophet - she had to stop occassionally to regroup as the tears were freely flowing. Which caused little Emma to sob, and the rest of the girls to pull out hankies. (Despite their overt manliness, even a few of the groomsmen later admitted they were having trouble holding back the tears.) When we said our vows, the weeping continued - I think it was because of the truth of it all. We committed to allow each other to be who we are with support and love. And promised that the couple we had become would be a greater whole. And when it was time for the kiss, everyone was feeling the love.
Perfect - of course. The entire wedding.
We exited, ate fabulous food, stood for tons of photos and everyone was happy.
The wind blew the arch down about fifteen minutes after the photos were finished - and it was so okay.
Memorable moments:
Steve's mom and Aunt Jacky giving me his grandmother's ring to wear.
Ann and Emma's tears
Steve in his tuxedo with his Larry the Cable Guy shirt underneath
All the sisters together
Matthew's grin and kisses
The look in Steve's eyes
My own tears
The beautiful flowers
The togetherness despite differences
The sound of the windchimes
Lynnette's strength and presence
My sister Ann's love
There are so many more....
The reception in Wetonka was fab...and I'll try to recap tomorrow.
Ain't love grand?
Suffice it to say that the music turned out just fine, and the food was delicious, and the ceremony went very well.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
It's Wednesday again - and I'm on deadline. It's that "hurry up and wait" feeling that has taken hold, at least for this week.
Skies are overcast, and my mood is difficult to lift. But I know that this too shall pass. In the meantime, I'm trying to be productive.
The baby is indeed growing, and I've had my very first tummy pat from someone I just met. I did know that was coming, but it's a little strange. I thought it would really bother me, but it didn't. In some ways it's an affirmation that this is really happening, and soon, my stomach will be a billboard, connecting me with those who have gone before.
My goddess energy has dwindled...yes, I know, motherhood is the ultimate in creativity. I mean creating life and all of that, but in the meantime I'm having trouble feeling it. Is this weird, or normal? And what is normal? My life lately has been anything but. So many changes and so much to do that is out of the ordinary. But I'm adapting, and trying to reinsert myself into old good habits like writing and meditation. The yoga helps, but the pets seem to divert my energy at every turn. I'm chanting "ohm" and they're running around like tiny banshees barking at the mailman. Peace, right? So today they will have to spend outside while I twist and turn my body - gently- into poses that are perfectly modified for those "with child".
I am getting excited for the big family get-together that will be my wedding. It will be a chance for Steve's family to mingle with mine and everyone to happily commune over our good fortune at finding love and having a child. Miss my kids, miss my sisters, miss my mom and dad, miss Emma. So their faces will be a welcome sight. The wedding is only a month away - yikes - and I still have lots of little things to do. I'm down to making real choices, and not sweating the small stuff. Not really so difficult when I set my mind to it.
Some days I wonder just how this will all pan out, and long for October, or November, when one Saturday morning I will wake up and find that there is no big event to plan, and there are no preparations to make. I will hear the baby wake up, pour myself a cup of coffee and have a really lovely day. It's not that I'm not looking forward to all the stuff that will occur over the next few months. It's just that I'm sure there will be peace in the normalcy of life, and the everyday miracles are everywhere.
Skies are overcast, and my mood is difficult to lift. But I know that this too shall pass. In the meantime, I'm trying to be productive.
The baby is indeed growing, and I've had my very first tummy pat from someone I just met. I did know that was coming, but it's a little strange. I thought it would really bother me, but it didn't. In some ways it's an affirmation that this is really happening, and soon, my stomach will be a billboard, connecting me with those who have gone before.
My goddess energy has dwindled...yes, I know, motherhood is the ultimate in creativity. I mean creating life and all of that, but in the meantime I'm having trouble feeling it. Is this weird, or normal? And what is normal? My life lately has been anything but. So many changes and so much to do that is out of the ordinary. But I'm adapting, and trying to reinsert myself into old good habits like writing and meditation. The yoga helps, but the pets seem to divert my energy at every turn. I'm chanting "ohm" and they're running around like tiny banshees barking at the mailman. Peace, right? So today they will have to spend outside while I twist and turn my body - gently- into poses that are perfectly modified for those "with child".
I am getting excited for the big family get-together that will be my wedding. It will be a chance for Steve's family to mingle with mine and everyone to happily commune over our good fortune at finding love and having a child. Miss my kids, miss my sisters, miss my mom and dad, miss Emma. So their faces will be a welcome sight. The wedding is only a month away - yikes - and I still have lots of little things to do. I'm down to making real choices, and not sweating the small stuff. Not really so difficult when I set my mind to it.
Some days I wonder just how this will all pan out, and long for October, or November, when one Saturday morning I will wake up and find that there is no big event to plan, and there are no preparations to make. I will hear the baby wake up, pour myself a cup of coffee and have a really lovely day. It's not that I'm not looking forward to all the stuff that will occur over the next few months. It's just that I'm sure there will be peace in the normalcy of life, and the everyday miracles are everywhere.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
midweek
This is for Gewels and all of my friends who just want to know...boy or girl?
"Boy" says the ultrasound, a thrilling prospect especially for his daddy, who can't stop grinning. I, being okay with either option, am just glad to know and be able to plan. So we were busy planning "boy" when Steve came home after talking to a friend who said that the ultrasound may not be too accurate give the fact that I am somewhere between 18-20 weeks along. From the beginning, I've felt "girl" and my very special friend and psychic said, "girl." And Deb and Chris said, "girl." So while the medical community is pretty sure it's a boy...we're all left wondering. Despite all of that, I did buy the most adorable outfit for him yesterday. And if it's a girl...she'll look just fine in those overalls with the cars on them.
In other news...the wedding planning is becoming a bit nerve racking. Since Steve and I did the civil ceremony already, carrying out the "other" wedding planning seems a bit much. But as so much money has been sent, and it is a chance to share the occasion with family...we're doing it. Most of the planning is done...there are fittings and a few things to buy, but the big challenge is the music! Can't find a simple violin player to save my soul. So I'm thinking CDs and I'm thinking Celtic for the ceremony. Any suggestions are welcome. We can just play other music we love for the small reception we have planned in the backyard. I do need to start compiling a list and making a few CDs for the event.
And if all this hoopla weren't enough...I'm still trying to tie up all the (unending) loose ends with my ex, who continues to be difficult. Damn. I just want all of that stuff out of my space.
And so, baby and I are planning a quiet day of work and a little shopping. I have finally found a few options in modern maternity dressing (thanks for the suggestions Gewels), and don't feel nearly as odd in my clothes. (smile here)
What a life, no?
"Boy" says the ultrasound, a thrilling prospect especially for his daddy, who can't stop grinning. I, being okay with either option, am just glad to know and be able to plan. So we were busy planning "boy" when Steve came home after talking to a friend who said that the ultrasound may not be too accurate give the fact that I am somewhere between 18-20 weeks along. From the beginning, I've felt "girl" and my very special friend and psychic said, "girl." And Deb and Chris said, "girl." So while the medical community is pretty sure it's a boy...we're all left wondering. Despite all of that, I did buy the most adorable outfit for him yesterday. And if it's a girl...she'll look just fine in those overalls with the cars on them.
In other news...the wedding planning is becoming a bit nerve racking. Since Steve and I did the civil ceremony already, carrying out the "other" wedding planning seems a bit much. But as so much money has been sent, and it is a chance to share the occasion with family...we're doing it. Most of the planning is done...there are fittings and a few things to buy, but the big challenge is the music! Can't find a simple violin player to save my soul. So I'm thinking CDs and I'm thinking Celtic for the ceremony. Any suggestions are welcome. We can just play other music we love for the small reception we have planned in the backyard. I do need to start compiling a list and making a few CDs for the event.
And if all this hoopla weren't enough...I'm still trying to tie up all the (unending) loose ends with my ex, who continues to be difficult. Damn. I just want all of that stuff out of my space.
And so, baby and I are planning a quiet day of work and a little shopping. I have finally found a few options in modern maternity dressing (thanks for the suggestions Gewels), and don't feel nearly as odd in my clothes. (smile here)
What a life, no?
Thursday, April 05, 2007
a regular thursday
Well, almost. The beetle but the dust yesterday, leaving me carless. With no deadlines and no car, I'm here at home, trying to figure out the best way to spend the cold winter day. While it's supposed to be spring, it's freezing.
The shoe crisis has passed and I got my shopping fix last Saturday with Steve's mom and sister. Four lovely pairs of shoes later, I'm ready for the hottest maternity fashions. But now I'm having a bit of an image crisis. Maternity clothes just don't fit my self-image. They're a bit "cute." Which is a term I've fought most of my life. The little freckle-faced redhead girl was always "cute" and I wanted to be pretty, attractive, hot even. And so I worked on it. The accessories helped, but I've no belt that fits, nor would I want to highlight my midsection. I see pregnant women all the time with tight fitting tops that highlight their expectant situation. I, on the other hand, don't really like the look that emphasizes a belly button that has been misshapen by baby. And so I pick out little peasant shirts that so don't feel quite right and which undoubtedly make me look "cute." But a small price to pay I think for the prospect of having a child.
Next week I'm scheduled for an ultrasound and the revelation of just what sex this child may be. I think girl - Chris agrees as does Lynnette. Ann says boy, but I just think that's wishful thinking. In the meantime, I think about the nursery. Will it be very pink? Or should I paint dragonflies on the walls? For now I wait and wonder. I wonder just how ready I am for this massive undertaking which, admit it, will last the rest of my life. This changes everything that I thought my forties and fifties would be like. And I'm not sure what to do with that except to go with it. Right now that is the only option. I will follow my intuition about just how to do that. What I won't do is stay home all the time and make my number one "identity" mommy. Just don't see that happening. I will continue to be Melissa first, mommy, wife and whatever second. I know that one can get all wrapped up in motherhood. I used to have a hard time with women whose lives revolved around their children and I'm hoping I won't become one of them. The trap is big with sharp teeth that leave one feeling caught and sore and a little beaten up for the thanklessness of the job.
When I think of all of the responsibility of parenthood, I get a little shaky. I was (almost) done with that, and enjoying the lack of worry - but it begins again, as life is an eternal circle. We continue meet up with ourselves where we started.
The shoe crisis has passed and I got my shopping fix last Saturday with Steve's mom and sister. Four lovely pairs of shoes later, I'm ready for the hottest maternity fashions. But now I'm having a bit of an image crisis. Maternity clothes just don't fit my self-image. They're a bit "cute." Which is a term I've fought most of my life. The little freckle-faced redhead girl was always "cute" and I wanted to be pretty, attractive, hot even. And so I worked on it. The accessories helped, but I've no belt that fits, nor would I want to highlight my midsection. I see pregnant women all the time with tight fitting tops that highlight their expectant situation. I, on the other hand, don't really like the look that emphasizes a belly button that has been misshapen by baby. And so I pick out little peasant shirts that so don't feel quite right and which undoubtedly make me look "cute." But a small price to pay I think for the prospect of having a child.
Next week I'm scheduled for an ultrasound and the revelation of just what sex this child may be. I think girl - Chris agrees as does Lynnette. Ann says boy, but I just think that's wishful thinking. In the meantime, I think about the nursery. Will it be very pink? Or should I paint dragonflies on the walls? For now I wait and wonder. I wonder just how ready I am for this massive undertaking which, admit it, will last the rest of my life. This changes everything that I thought my forties and fifties would be like. And I'm not sure what to do with that except to go with it. Right now that is the only option. I will follow my intuition about just how to do that. What I won't do is stay home all the time and make my number one "identity" mommy. Just don't see that happening. I will continue to be Melissa first, mommy, wife and whatever second. I know that one can get all wrapped up in motherhood. I used to have a hard time with women whose lives revolved around their children and I'm hoping I won't become one of them. The trap is big with sharp teeth that leave one feeling caught and sore and a little beaten up for the thanklessness of the job.
When I think of all of the responsibility of parenthood, I get a little shaky. I was (almost) done with that, and enjoying the lack of worry - but it begins again, as life is an eternal circle. We continue meet up with ourselves where we started.
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